Welcome back to another season of watching a bunch of fame thirsty 20-somethings (except you Elyse who is practically a granny at the ripe old age of 31!) pretending that in the real world they would give a 26 year old virgin a right-swipe, even if he does look like Colton (hello gratuitous shower scenes, I’ve missed you since Sean’s season!)
I’m finding it challenging to even figure out how to frame this recap given the chaotic bouncing around for 3 hours from the actual show to exciting watch party locations such as… an apartment… in Lansing Michigan.
I mean seriously, in the first hour we were subjected to Team Glitter-Goose (barf) in a hot tub more than any actual footage of Colton or his bevy of over-enthusiastic contestants. There was so much going on it was really hard to keep up, but in a sort of “give the bad before the not-as-bad” I’ll start with my thoughts on all the live segments first.
The Live “Parties”
All of it was truly un-necessary and judging by the reactions on social media, I’m pretty sure the only people that would want this to happen again are Jared and Ashley I:
In addition to the typical crowd with Chris Harrison in the Final Rose/Tell-All studio, we visit:
Kaitlyn and JoJo getting wasted at Chris Harrison’s bar in Dallas with the woman that brought the world the King of Bachelor Nation (his mom)
Blake and Jason bro’ing it up in the aforementioned Michigan apartment
And finally Jared and Ashley I in Park City Utah with a special appearance by Ben Higgins, Becca & Garrett and basically anybody else they could find to make their segment remotely interesting.
The only really enjoyable segment was seeing all the Bachelor babies. Confession: I follow almost all these couples on Instagram so I could probably tell you each of these kiddos exact ages and what is in their FabFitFun box each month.
Not once, but twice we were subjected to truly cringe-worthy fan proposals. As great as it sounds to be proposed to on national television – neither of those couples looked like they actually wanted to do it but the glow of Neil Lane’s spray tan giant free rings convinced them.
And what in God’s name was the point of reminding us that Krystal and Chris are a thing that happened this summer and having them sit in a hot tub, in a parking lot, with random people that volunteered to join them
And finally, did anyone else start panicking a little when they started the tribute video to Chris Harrison? Like, that’s the kind of thing saved for “in Memoriam” and retirement parties. This show could never go on if the eternally youthful host were to hang up his custom-designed cuff links
The Actual Show
Rather than recap the entire episode, I’m going to focus on a few of the standout contestants. I highly encourage you to also read some of my other favorite recap blogs like Betches and Kristin Baldwin at EW:
https://betches.com/the-best-bachelor-recap-youll-ever-read-season-23-week-1/
https://ew.com/recap/the-bachelor-season-23-premiere/
Colton
Well I obviously can’t start this without talking about the man who made all this drama possible and never, ever, ever did anything with the goal of being the Bachelor in mind
Catherine
As for the women, let’s talk about Catherine first, shall we? From what fresh hell of Real Housewives rejects did they find this person?!?! She displayed not one redeeming quality – and don’t say her dog b/c no real dog mom is just dropping her dog in a stranger’s arms like it’s coat check at “da club” where she “DJ’s”
Why Colton did not shut this chick down after Interruption #3 is beyond me. I mean, you even have Nick Viall (he who let Corinne be Corinne) thinking it’s excessive
Obviously, she’s the girl (and I use that term loosely as her true age is prooooobably not 26) the producers are using for drama and hate-tweeting
Demi
Another custom built to probably be the villain as the season progresses. This girl has so many red flags. wowza
All the Pageant Girls
Yes I’m just lumping them all together because most of you probably don’t remember which one is which anyways and they all 3 know each other. We have Caelynn (Miss North Carolina) with the sash that got the joke wrong:
Then, Hannah B (Miss Alabama) who had the classic “i’m a gorgeous beauty queen but also so goofy, aren’t i adorable?” introduction. Although points for saying “Roll Tide” less than 3 times. Sorry your team got spanked whilst this was airing!
And then in the mansion basically looked like she wanted to dive across the room at Caelynn (look forward to hearing about the demise of their friendship later in the season)
Lastly, there’s Hannah G. Also a pageant girl without a title (she competed against other Hannah for Miss Alabama and lost) so I’m putting her here. Obviously she stands out because Colton gave her the first impression rose but also because she literally has the tiniest features I’ve ever seen, which was definitely highlighted next to Colton
All the Rest
Cassie is my girl crush of the season. Do not read anything spoiler-y into that statement because my faves are all over the map. Wills was the primary target of affection last season and he wasn’t even top 4. I just really like that she seems like she’s just there for the ride and her whole vibe is just effortless (probably the whole Huntington Beach Cali thing). Also kudos for not wearing a bedazzled prom dress
I didn’t think I would, but I got a real chuckle out of Sloth Girl. She’ll never top Alexis as a Dolphin/Shark, but it was still pretty good
Bri trying to stand out with the fake Australian accent was actually pretty clever and if you were wondering if she ‘fessed up at any point, well wait no longer (click the link below). Honestly, I think we could have had 2 fewer minutes of Blake & Jason “having a blast” to get a little closure on this critical matter
The Rose Ceremony…Finally
The rose ceremony lasted so long that not only did seven of these women get dumped, but had to take the limo walk of shame by light of day
And just some final closing thoughts on the evening. I’m pretty sure the best thing to come out of the previews for the season is watching a Bachelor appearing to pull a Runaway Bride.
And here’s hoping that the virginity conversation cools down a bit – at least until Colton needs to have “the talk” again with Chris Harrison before Fantasy Suites
The Bachelorennial 