Wow, so much went on this week, I can almost forgive a To-Be-Continued. Almost. But not really because it messes with my bracket game (message me if you’re a random reader that wants in!) Hey, at least we get to start the episode with another Colton shower scene, amiright? Does he have to shower immediately upon arrival at each destination?
Heather finally gets kissed
So I said this was a good episode, but boy oh boy was the start painful. Heather gets the first one-on-one date in Thailand and literally most of the date was Heather or Colton pointing at things as they stood there side-hugging. “Wow, the grass is so green” “Yeah and the water is wet. Wow”
Basically, the entire date was just set up to crank out as many suggestions about kissing as possible until the big fireworks display. Most gratuitous was the zoom into Colton slurping something (seafood juice?) from his fingers and I had to turn away
So we get to the tell-your-secrets-and-don’t-eat-anything dinner date and Heather talks about her dating/non-kissing history.
I’m sorry, you dated a guy for HOW LONG without kissing him? Honey, that’s not a boyfriend – that’s definitely just a friend that’s a guy… possssssibly you were actually his Beard and you just didn’t know it.
The kiss finally happened and it was as awkward as one would expect but yay for Heather for finally getting that out of the way… with millions of people there to judge your weird hand-wrapping technique. But the joy for Colton was short-lived…
Elyse’s Meltdown in a Gown
Part of me wants to take back all the glowing love I gave Elyse just a few short weeks ago, but she’s still gorgeous and (mostly) composed and again probably too normal to have joined this show… but did she not understand how this show worked when she signed up? Maybe I should start a TED Talk series for future contestants as a new side hustle? Seems legit as I have no actual ties to the franchise other than being overly invested in watching the show?
Not only did she work herself up for this, but while all the other girls are sitting around in their pajamas – did none of them wonder why Elyse had put on a Rose Ceremony dress? (that doubles as a mosquito net! How practical!)
Survivor – Bachelor Style
The group date for everyone not named Heather or Cassie was basically learning how to survive in the wilderness of Thailand.
Hannah B will literally do ANYTHING to stand out. Including multiple weeks of bug eating. She’s so proud and then Colton says, “you serious? I threw mine on the ground!” WTF?
Best part of this date, hands down is not that Tayshia would apparently totally kill it on the actual Survivor show but I honestly loved Demi and the Hannah’s going for drinks instead.
The evening part of the date was obviously 90% the start of the Onyeka and Nicole fight, but lest we forget, Hannah B chose this time to tell Colton she’s falling in love with him. Part of me feels once again, she wants to be able to say later on that she said it before Caelynn… They may have surface-level squashed their beef but we all know it’s still there.
Onyeka, Onyeka, Onyeka. Please sign up for my TED Talk as you obviously didn’t learn anything just a few days ago about smack-talking.
And Tayshia dropping truth on the situation.
Cassie’s Makeout Date
Did anything happen on this date other than a LOT of making out?
Not to mention that mixed into all the making out, they cut back to the house where everyone else basically talks about how strong the connection is between Colton and Cassie. Ok, we get it, they’ve got the hots for each other!
Cocktail Party
Before we get into all the girl-drama, we got a compilation of random interactions with the other girls that felt like some of the Night One gimmicks. I promise I could have lived my whole life never seeing Kirpa floss Colton’s teeth. ew.
All the Onyeka vs. Nicole drama we never wanted
Round 2 of the Onyeka and Nicole fighting was the worst. i literally have no idea what either of them said because it was every college drunk girl fight that if they’d been left alone another 10 minutes and/or given a shot of tequila would have been hugging and telling each other “you’re my sister, you’re so pretty!” Trust me, I’ve participated in that cycle of girl-world behavior a time or two.
I think I might have preferred Round 3 of Pageant Queens to this nonsense
Colton cannot focus on Katie – WHO WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT thanks to the yapping in the background and he leaves her to investigate the situation
This whole next scene amazed me. Colton sits down hoping that will diffuse the crazy and they both stop, look at him… and continue on! it’s kind of like walking out into my backyard and look at the birds in the feeder. They stop to see if I’m going to interrupt them, then continue on pecking away like I don’t exist.
NO ROSE CEREMONY!!!
I was oblivious to what time it was and I thought we were finally going to see the fence jump… and then… whomp whomp… To Be Continued. See the timestamp on my tweet? Literally did not realize the show was over.
My only solace was this nugget from the exec producer of the show:
The ending credits scene with Sydney (she’s still here?) was priceless. So fantastically awkward, I loved it!
And lastly, I would be remiss not to mention the most important question coming out of this week’s episode:
Kirpa’s chin should have been it’s own trending topic on Twitter because I think basically the entire viewing audience was trying to find this out.
Luckily, as always, I can count on Kristin Baldwin over at EW to have the scoop via deleted scenes that are usually WAY more entertaining than what we actually watched. Producers really missed out on an opportunity to tease an ambulance ride in the previews…
The Bachelorennial 