Ugh – I anticipate this episode in all it’s trashy glory every season and then when it’s over, I find myself wondering how many brain cells were lost. I’ve been saying it for years and I must be in the minority with this hot take, but I would much more enjoy a format like the old Real World/Challenge “Shit They Should Have Shown”, bloopers and things that got cut (like Kirpa’s injury or the montage of Colton saying “Nailed It”)
This recap may end up being a little shorter than most because while it seems like they filled an entire 2 hours, not that much reaaally went on because almost a 1/2 hour was just a bunch of teenagers talking over each other and I didn’t have the patience to rewind and hear all points of view.
Colton Showering
Honestly, I love when the show gets all meta and self-aware with little jokes like these. Some of them fall flat and others just entertain the hell out of me. No rhyme or reason. Colton in the shower for 1 1/2 hours of the show was just so silly that I think it worked, but again maybe not a popular opinion
The Catfights Revisited
They decided to spend a LOT of time on ALL the catfights in the house. And unlike most seasons there were so many it was hard to keep track
Demi v. Courtney
Demi was a little TOO on last night – but that’s her schtick. She’s full of one-liners, much like Chad Johnson. You’re never going to win that battle and as Courtney made very clear, you only look worse if you try to play the game with her. I was actually REALLY shocked by Courtney’s pacifier stunt. Demi is all mouth and chatter but once you get physical like that in such a stupid way, I lose all respect and stop hearing anything about how much more mature you are. nope.
Also, did anyone else hear Chris Harrison giggling after a few of Demi’s comments? Hot Mic, Chris! Hot Mic!
Onyeka v. Nicole
This was almost messier than someone getting a pacifier shoved in their face. Onyeka did herself no favors and as Sydney pointed out, her only purpose seemed to be to make noise
BUT! Once again with all these fights – there is no clear winner because, frankly, Nicole sucks too if ALL the back row (including Nina’s girls that could have had seats of their own) is to be believed
Caelynn v. almost-everyone-that-heard-her-talking-about-being-the-Bachelorette-with-Cassie-not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that
And not necessarily a catfight, but “THE” big scandal of what did Caelynn and Cassie really talk about? The answer – exactly what we all thought, but not according to Caelynn…
The Breakup Montage
What a refreshing palette cleanser, right? Oh, let’s revisit all the painful breakups over the past 37 seasons. What fun, what joy. There was the aforementioned Des & Brooks breakup, we got to relive Frank leaving Ali, and by far one they should have maaaybe not dove into was Carly getting dumped by Kirk. Although, one of my favorite moments of all time:
The Hot Seats
Demi
I’m not sure what more there is to say about the Demi show other than… See you in Paradise!
Caelynn
Another possible unpopular opinion here, but either Caelynn is able to make an Oscar-worthy performance or she was actually caught off guard by getting dumped. Those seemed like some real tears but I have NO idea if she really loved Colton or if she was just shocked she didn’t “win”. But NONE of that takes away from what happened to her in the past or what she is trying to do to raise awareness of assault victims. You can be both a human being that had bad things happen and also be a 23 year old looking for fame and Instagram sponsorships.
Hannah B
If it wasn’t obvious already that she was getting groomed to be the Bachelorette, look no further than Hannah’s time in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison. That was darn near perfectly cute and quirky and relatable.
Nicole
Why they brought Nicole up to the Hot Seat, I have no idea. Outside of her fighting with Onyeka, she was really a non-factor in the season. But maybe they were going to have Elyse until she backed out to attend a wedding (at least she has priorities, right?)
Anyway, after just hearing everyone basically make the case that Nicole was not that innocent and talking smack off-camera, it was hard to see them be all nice and then offer her a years supply of FREE HALO TOP! (Also, I’m just going to pretend that Nick Viall commercial didn’t happen, okay? yikes)
Colton Dries Off
And lastly, Colton finishes his shower just long enough to get “grilled” by the ladies. I really have nothing of any consequence to end this post with because I mentioned at the top that I would rather have watched the bloopers so lets just call it a night and wait to find Colton in the Portugeuse countryside next week, shall we?
The Bachelorennial 