And now we’ve come… to the ennnnnnnnd ooooooof the road! And we caaaaan’t fiiiiind Colton! ( I really hope you all read that humming Boyz II Men or else I have really just shown my age, but then again, the 90’s are cool with the kids again, right?)
Anywhooo… before we pick back up again, if it wasn’t obvious that they really needed to find a way to fill 4 more hours of our lives with crying and self-loathing (mostly mine), Chris Harrison says hello from a Live! Studio! Audience! which I pray to God does not mean we are going to check in with watch parties or see Team Glitter Goose in a hot tub again. Oh, just an extended recap of the season? fantastic, said no one ever.
After Chris Harrison reminds us that we should all be very concerned about Colton’s virginity status, we jump back into the action (all puns somewhat intended) happening back in the Portuguese countryside. Or as Chris Harrison puts it to the mystery person on the phone, “the middle of nowhere in Portugal”.
We then proceed to watch the Cops/true crime crossover event we never knew we wanted while production hunts down Colton in the streets. Actual quotes: “I hear the dogs barking over there”, “I think I saw something move in those bushes over there”
I literally realized I was squinting at my TV, like they’re really going to find Colton ducked behind a bush or hiding in a ditch on the side of the road like “haha, now you’re it!” Turns out, surprise of surprises, he’s still just walking down the street.
I wasn’t sure whether to be impressed or concerned for Chris Harrison when he finally caught up to Colton
At any rate, they finally wrangle Colton into a van, probably because he forgot his phone otherwise he’d have Uber’d himself outta there by now (do they have Uber in middle-of-nowhere-Portugal?)
After a good night’s rest, (and probably a couple ice packs for Chris Harrison’s knees from all that half-jogging) Chris goes to have a chat with Colton to remind him the terms of his contract figure out how what he wants to do next.
Overnight, Colton seems to have convinced himself that Cassie really just needs him to dump the other two girls and then she won’t be scared anymore and change her mind. Nowhere in any of the breakup last week was that ever once close to what Cassie tried to say to him. I relate to Colton so much through this but outside looking in wants to shake him, but Chris Harrison once again doing the Lord’s work goes right for it.
Colton’s not having it and he’s determined what he has to do, which is actually really the right thing in real life (vs. how this show works) and go break up with the remaining 2 women.
Ta-Ta Tayshia
Just because his intentions are right, doesn’t mean his methods were spot on here. He could have just said, “I’m sorry, this isn’t going to happen with us” but instead dug the knife in with “I’m in love with Cassie” and then proceeding to cry on her shoulder for 5 minutes.
And in yet another move that is usually saved for the runner-up on After the Final Rose, they make Tayshia sit on stage, watch the whole break-up, and then have that awkward “what happened” conversation with Colton. And she looked absolutely stunning… and Colton’s hair looked… ridiculous.
Also, reminder that Tayshia apparently just wakes up that way too!
Oh Hey! Hannah G!
Just like most of this season, once again I’ve almost forgotten Hannah G existed.
And just like with Tayshia’s breakup, intentions good, execution? yikes.
After all the sobbing and more wrong-way consoling of the one doing the breaking-up vs. the break-ee, we cut to Chris and Hannah in the studio with Hannah looking like she’s barely holding it together.
Will this ever end?
After we complete all these break-ups, there’s still like 38 minutes left to kill, so what oh what should we do? How about we host a roundtable of Becca’s men (and Ben H because he must have signed over his soul to appear on everything for all time) to discuss what Colton should do and share words of wisdom?
And lastly we get a sneak preview of why in God’s name we have to tune in again tomorrow.
Cassie is packing her bags and just to put a pin in where her head is vs. Colton as he’s coming to win her back: she says she just wants to go home and back to her normal life. Nothing close to “maybe I made the wrong choice”, “I miss Colton already”, not even an “I love him but…” Just literally I want to GTFO so I can be done with this.
Final Thoughts
So glad this is over tomorrow and yet on the other hand, I start counting down until May when Bachelorette starts airing! But the 4 hours over the past 2 weeks has burnt me out for a spell!
The Bachelorennial 