Hannah’s Guys: Bio Breakdown

Ummm… oh my. I was a big math nerd (1st place in Decimals at the district math tournament in 6th grade) but I NEVER had a math teacher that looked like this. Dear Lord, AND he likes puns and sarcasm? I may have found my new favorite on the first guy!

nope. that is all.

Okay, that’s not all. He is a self-proclaimed “dance floor king” which translates to him being the obnoxious guy that clears the floor at weddings to do the worm. He’s also the guy that rapped on After the Final Rose so we have that to look forward to this season I guess

He looks SO much like Skylar Astin from Pitch Perfect it’s ridiculous. Ooh, and he’s a pilot!

Connor J is a nice guy. Too nice. Too normal. He won’t last long and will probably be one of the guys at the Men Tell All that we’ll be asking “who is he?”

We met him on After The Final Rose and frankly from those first 5 guys that night, he was my favorite.

Until I read his bio that proclaims he LOVES (their capitalization, not mine) Justin Bieber. Nope, next.

Daron is this season’s Clay I think. Big football teddy bear. Daron’s dad is actually Mookie Blaylock a retired NBA player. He’s also a twin. That’s all I got, he’s probably super sweet and too normal.

He’s friends with Wills. This might be all I needed to know to love him and declare him a favorite. If Wills happened to let him borrow a floral romp-him or two, all the better.

And his advice for finding love is “don’t be a sleaze” Poetry.

Not sure we’ve ever had a male contestant with a nose ring before. i didn’t even know people still did hoop nose rings other than Lenny Kravitz?

We met him at ATFR where he gave a nervous toast as well so I think I like him.

Literally looks like he’s shrugging and saying “aww shucks, ma’am”

However, huge red flag in his bio: “The majority of Dylan’s friends are women”

I can’t NOT see Dean Unglert who is perhaps the franchise’s most prominent f***boi, so I will do my best not to hold this against him.

The biggest thing Garrett has going for him (besides being attractive of course) is that he’s from ‘Bama. I’m pretty sure we’ll find out they have friends in common.

Unemployed? Give it a few weeks and then he can consider himself a Social Media content creator.

Also anyone that compares themselves to “The Dude” it’s going to probably just be their excuse for being “A Douche”

A Pro Surfer that lives with his parents? Okay, they can’t all be winners but there are a LOT of

Yeah… he isn’t here for professional exposure at all. Also, I’m pretty sure you can’t live in Nashville anymore unless you can claim to be a singer/songwriter and also appear on this show in some capacity (more likely as the “surprise concert act” than as a contestant but that’s splitting hairs.

The obvious reference to Ferris Bueller (Sausage King of Chicago) aside, professing your love for Vegas on the money you make from your family business is kind of a red flag to me.

1. I feel like he’s on the wrong reality show
2. He’s 33 and still trying to rock the Jersey Shore bro look. Stop it.
3. He references how he spent his 20s. Code for “you’re too old for her!”

Chris Harrison refers to John Paul Jones as a whole mood so I’m looking forward to him entertaining me.

I’m full of the 80’s references today but he’s like a cross between Spicoli and Steff (James Spader’s character in Pretty in Pink) he looks both like a stoner and a pretentious prick at the same time.

He’s a server in LA which translates to “trying to get in the biz”

His red flags include “when he’s not at the clubs…” and he “loves sparklers”. No amount of saying religion is important to him saves him from himself here.

So i’m going to just admit that I was a little smitten just looking at this guy… and then I read his bio and math teacher Brian has some competition for MY heart this season. HE LOVES HARRY POTTER! HE HELPS WAR VETERANS!

****SWOON***

Then there’s this guy. I literally had the exact opposite reaction to him as I did Kevin. There’s something that feels off about him. And it could just be his wonky eye in this shot, I dunno.

Even when he was the first to come out on ATFR, he was really a bit too at ease with introducing himself but he didn’t look as wonky in real life

So Nick Viall has decided to use a pseudonym to make his way onto a 10th season of the franchise, huh? yeesh.

He calls himself a tequila expert and tries to sound cool by saying he made some rando B-list actress blush. Cool flex bro, nobody cares.

Well doesn’t Matt D just look like the perfect future suburban dad that will be recognized for a corporate lifetime achievement award for selling the aforementioned Medical Devices?

Buried in the center of this bio is all I need to know to begin questioning casting again: Matteo has… fathered 114 through sperm donation. Why/How/What is the purpose of keeping track??? I have a lot of questions that will probably go unanswered because I doubt he’s here past the first night.

I’m not buying this guy is 23. And why can’t we just call him an auctioneer – WTF is a “Car Bid Spotter”?

There’s little to zero chance this guy wants to get engaged or settle down within the next decade. He’s banking on a future trip to BIP and sliding into other Bachelor Nation DMs

First, thank you for your service in the Air Force. But your interest in Krav Maga, Mandarin, and Parkour belong back in the early 2000’s.

Ok honestly on looks alone, I feel like this guy looks like the perfect match with Hannah B.

He’s also the perfect white-boy dreamy pilot… except he lives at home.

WTF is a Roller Boy? You know what? I don’t actually care enough to find out. I’m thoroughly uninterested in this guy who is actually a data analyst and a tightrope walker?

Okay, at this point I’m just tired of looking at Software Sales guys that basically I could find at an Applebee’s Happy Hour.

He might have the most boring profile in the bunch and that is saying something.

We have a considerable lack of pro athletes from major sports this season, especially after tripping over them in Becca’s. However, does it really count when you remind people you played internationally like Winston on New Girl? (credit to Caitlin Beck for that reference!)

There’s something about this guy’s face and his salmon suit jacket that kinda makes me angry. Why does he remind me of the rich frat guys from Animal House?

From henceforth he will be referred to as Niedermeyer.

Well at least unlike Cassie last season they call out that he’s a grad student so there’s no misunderstanding. This Tyler seems interesting and intelligent until… “he adheres to a strict Keto diet” and loves going to Soul Cycle. Which means basically his future will not include actually using his degree b/c he’ll be selling Fit Tea and managing a gym in Boca Raton in 2020.