I have a feeling this recap is going to be rather short because almost 45 minutes were spent with Hannah and Luke talking but actually saying nothing and me praying for a short sweet death to take me out of this hell.
Before we get to that sheer waste of all of our time, we have to start back where they left us hanging this week… which also involves Luke and other Luke still getting nowhere and pissing off Hannah enough that she cancels the rest of the cocktail party to go straight to the rose ceremony that SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED LAST WEEK!
Before Hannah hands out the roses, Luke S asks to talk to her and sends himself home. Why did we have to sit through all that fighting last week just for you to peace out unceremoniously?? Also, rather than give another guy an additional week, Chris Harrison comes in and yanks away a rose from the table
And we’re blessed with the pure intellect of these men:
In addition to Luke S sending himself home, Hannah says goodbye to Matteo and the man who will surely bring the party to Paradise: John Paul Jones. That goofball was really growing on me
Time to Travel Abroad
We’ve reached the portion of the season where they take the shit show overseas. First stop, Scotland! And also the first date goes to fan favorite, Mike. I’d love to spend WAY more time focusing on my adoration of Mike versus my disgust of Luke P, but I digress. Of course Mike ended up with the rose after their delightful easy-breeze day together.
And just a reminder that Mike is KING of facial expressions which is a big positive in my book, given I’m also know to be a bit extra-expressive from time-to-time aka all the time!
Bro Day Date
Something I don’t believe I’ve ever seen them do before, but while Mike is on his date with Hannah, the rest of the guys go out to explore on their own chaperoned by producers. And to sum up the entirety of this segment: Luke P (aka Luke-ness Monster) is a big-ass douche-canoe
Kilt-ing it on the Group Date
All the guys sans Mike and Luke P get to attempt several feats of strength, while also showing off their…ahem… manliness in the true Scottish tradition of going commando under their kilts. Which is all well and good until they begin a round of wrestling
As we move to the night portion of the date, Hannah gets in some serious makeout sessions with Jed, Peter, etc etc.
But by far my favorite was somewhat of a callback to Jed walking in on Hannah with Luke P, Kevin walks in on Hannah devouring Jed’s face and it was gold.
Luke P 1-on-1
And here we go. Because I cannot express all the mental pain the entirety of this date caused me (at least until they slapped the To Be Continued up), the rest of the episode/date is just getting summed up with these tweets, 95% of which come from my favorite guy that I wish was my bestie in real life: Brett Vergara. (side note: I realized that almost every tweet that I liked from tonight was done by him so in reality he basically wrote this recap for me!) I don’t know if you all have caught on to this in prior recaps but I really really really think Luke is a horrible human being. really.
And just think, we get to see MORE of this at the start of next week! yay.
The Bachelorennial 