Y’all SO much happened this week, yet just like the Colton fence jump – we are all just sitting around waiting until the upcoming episode where Hannah and Luke (now that the previews have gone ahead and spoiled themselves) get into it over premarital relations (there’s my G-rated version of what Hannah actually said which I LOVED!)
But before we can get to that Hannah had to dump almost half the guys this week and not a single one of them was the 5’8 villian himself…again.
Also, Hannah live-tweeted a LOT of hilarity during this episode. I basically could have written this recap with just her reaction tweets so they’ll be heavily featured for sure. I almost snorted my drink out my nose at one in particular.
First 1-on-1 Goes to Jed
It is almost as painful to watch anything with Jed at this point as it is Luke. Almost. Ugh – well at least he’s not a rage monster I guess? So rather than recap the actual boring date itself – here’s several tweets about Jed being trash. Enjoy.
Tyler and Hannah Horse Around
Good golly, Miss Molly, I could not love Tyler more! And yes I roasted the hell out of his profile before the season started b/c he looked like an Ivy League Douche Frat Guy… but turns out, he is a DELIGHT and he also was rocking the live-tweet game last night!
After Hannah and Tyler basically terrorized a village on some unruly horses, they sat down for the typical dinner date where they talked about feelings and life and such
Oh Connor, Connor, Connor
After discovering that Mike is getting the 3rd 1-on-1 (yay Mike!) poor forgotten about Connor is distraught and decides he needs to talk to Hannah and sort this out pack his bags. I mean really, what did he think was going to happen? Oh, you’re right, I’ll tell Mike I’m taking you instead. However, Connor was valid in saying all the Luke drama made it hard for a gentle soul such as himself to actually find time with her.
Getting Artsy with Mike
I was really excited for some quality Mike time but everything about the date showed that Hannah just really likes him as a person and doesn’t really want to move things out of the friend zone
I wanted to enjoy watching Mike get partially undressed and have fun, but everything from Hannah’s side seemed forced and crying alone looking at a bunch of art before the dinner portion of the date did not put my mind at ease.
And then Hannah breaks Mike’s heart before a sip of wine can even be had. My only solace is that Mike will either be in Paradise or our next Bachelor (I opt for the latter!)
After mourning the loss of Mike, they decide to put more salt in the wound by cutting back to the bro-tel room where Luke is of course being his trash self saying how he hopes Mike goes home. F*** Off Luke! And Tyler gives us perhaps one of the best lines of the entire season:
Luke couldn’t even respond (and God bless Peter stifling a laugh!)
The “3-on-1” Group Date
And now on to the portion of the episode where I go from sad to enraged and annoyed like has happened pretty much every episode of the season. Each week before going to bed I seem to need a brain cleanse from the b.s. that I’ve just witnessed. Monday night that took the form of re-watching an adorable video of my 2-year old daughter singing “Let It Go” (a movie she has made me watch over 375 times so I must have been a little desperate.)
Before the guys leave, Tyler gives well wishes to everyone but Luke (and none for Gretchen Weiners) and Jed’s advice to Luke is “keep your head out of your ass” Solid advice, there Jed. From your lips to God’s ears to Luke in the shower.
And can I just say props to production for forcing these guys into the back of a Fiat together?
So let’s be honest – I don’t remember if they actually did anything on this date other than sit around and stare angrily at each other (well not Peter because he is too pure for that nonsense)
Luke is the first to take off with Hannah and wastes no time trashing all the other guys (clearly not keeping said head out of said ass). This is just SO infuriating to watch!
The “fun” begins when Garrett returns to sitting in a giant room with Luke and a tray of cold cuts. The real victims here are us and that salami that was called bologna. I want to be on Garrett’s side here, I really do b/c I can damn well assure you I’ll never take Luke’s side, but he was just trying too hard to instigate Luke into a blow-up. It worked effectively, but also what’s the point if Hannah wasn’t there to see it?
After slapping bologna into Garrett’s lap (really awkward btw), Luke storms off and tries to vent to Peter, who is having NONE of it, reminding him that he promised not to be the worst and is failing miserably (in the nicest Peter the Pilot way possible, of course)
Now Pilot Peter gets to go do what Pilot Peter does best and be adorable, of course landing him the first rose and the freedom to scoot on back to the bro-tel and celebrate with Jed and his BFF Tyler
We’re down to Luke and Garrett and the classic 2-on-1 face-off dinner. Once again, Luke starts things off and decides it is time to share the story we have all heard since the start of the season about his man-whoring ways until he heard the voice of God in the shower.
Important Side Note: If y’all don’t know about the movie I’m referencing below, I’m truly sorry and please find Real Genius on Prime Video (or Youtube I think). I promise you it is well worth it and one of my favorite 80’s “teen” movies of all time (and that is saying something!)
Now it’s Garrett’s turn to throw a Hail Mary to stay another week and he confesses his love, thinking he just secured that rose. It’s obvious he’s a little too confident that Luke couldn’t possibly stay.
And in an absolutely NOT shocking turn of events, Hannah once again chooses Luke and sends Garrett packing.
Clearly hindsight is 20/20 here for Hannah as evidenced by her tweets
The fact that she is watching with her parents and then the mother of all previews reveals some more of the not actually scandalous activities that cause the Luke slut-shaming conversation to go down, I have second-hand embarrassment for her.
Cannot wait until next week’s episode, hometowns are generally my favorite but honestly, I really just want to get to the Fantasy Suites week to find out who did the dirty in a windmill… twice! 😉
The Bachelorennial 