Ahhhh, we’ve reached that time in the season where we get to meet the people that shaped who these men became in all their Bachelor-contestant glory.
I’ll preface this recap also with the fact that my 2 year old seems to be in some sort of sleep regression so I’ve had very little time to devote to my favorite guilty pleasure. And given that nobody went home after all of this, it feels like 2 hours of my life that meant nothing in the grand scheme of life.
Peter the Pilot
In the least surprising plot twist of the season, Peter takes Hannah up in a plane for their day date
But not before they drive in “his baby” (ew) and Hannah starts snooping through the console and finds a condom (another ew)
And let me just say, Peter’s family is so sweet and practically too good to be true. Hannah fits in perfectly with all their sunshine and quirky shouted German prayers. Side note – as someone who married into a VERY German (Lutheran) family… this is not normal, or maybe it’s normal for California Germans? I dunno. But everything else about Peter’s parents just filled me with rainbows and butterflies
Tyler the Beautiful
After the warm fuzzies of Peter’s date, we move on to even warmer temperatures and less clothes (SO not complaining!) with Tyler in Jupiter, Florida. I’m having serious FL envy currently so this did not help the green tropical monster bubbling within. My friends were just loading up my IG feed from Key West, my boss is in Clearwater this week, now Tyler is showing Hannah about that life. *Sigh*
After rubbing lotion all over each other and having a blast dancing to a local band (fun to watch but mostly uneventful) they go to meet Tyler’s family and Tyler cannot wait to see his dad, who has been very sick and they haven’t been in contact while he’s been filming. Cue the waterworks, folks.
Again, everyone in Tyler’s family seems perfectly normal, sweet, and Tyler just makes himself even more incredibly great. And lastly, he tried to get freaky with Hannah in the back of her Uber, lol
Swoon
Luke the Lame
And just when I’ve got all the good feels, all of it comes to a screeching halt now that we’re going to Luke’s hometown. Let me start by saying, there seems to be nothing wrong with his family, per se. Heck, they even ask Hannah why she’s still kept him around?
What I don’t get is if all these folks are brainwashed (or paid) to think that Luke is a nice guy or if he might be normal in real life but this show brought out some of the absolute worst qualities that a man could have.
At any rate, it all seems to work on Hannah (although her hindsight now says otherwise, see Exhibits A and B below)
Jed the Jerk
In an even less surprising plot development than Peter taking Hannah flying, Jed once again turns a date into a chance to audition on national television without those pesky judges telling him HE SUCKS!
Look, just like last week, knowing about Jed’s shenanigans makes it REALLY hard to watch him and believe a word that comes out of his mouth. And by the looks of it, his family couldn’t really muster up any decent acting skills to pull it off either. Very rarely have I ever seen the entire family practically just pissed off to be sitting there. I feel like the inner monologue for all 3 went like this “WTH JED, WE JUST MET YOUR ACTUAL GIRLFRIEND A FEW MONTHS AGO AND YOU SAID YOU’D BE ON THE SHOW A FEW WEEKS FOR EXPOSURE AND WE DID NOT SIGN UP TO PERPETUATE THIS MESS!”
Suffice to say, neither Jed nor Hannah went away with the warm fuzzies of a successful hometown date. Which leads us to…
The Rose Ceremony That Didn’t Matter!
Peter and Tyler get roses so all seems right thus far… then Hannah breaks down (again) and says she can’t choose between Jed and Luke. Never, not once, has it been an option to just say nah, I wanna go to the Fantasy Suites with 4 guys instead of 3. But gotta keep things interesting after 30+ seasons I guess. My vote obviously would be that the both kick rocks, but hey what do I know?
So in the end, they all get roses and I just wasted 2 hours for this. Okay fine, I decided I adore Peter and Tyler and one of them better be the Bachelor if it’s not Mike but come on!
At least next week the windmill mystery will be solved, Luke will get his ass kicked to the curb finally (we think…) and we will only have a few weeks left of this Hot Mess Express.
The Bachelorennial 