I’m going to try to do separate recaps of both nights here, because there is so much and I just wouldn’t be doing justice to any of the good stuff if I tried to lump it all into one. Plus, after tomorrow, I’m officially on hiatus until Bachelor – unless I come up with a quicker format for BIP because mama needs a break!
Whoa, Peter, Whoa!
We return to the never-ending rose ceremony to see Hannah doing calming breathing exercises and Chris Harrison moving the podium back (classic)
Jumping right in, Hannah gives her first rose to… Jed. Great.
And the next rose to… Tyler. Phew. Although that means goodbye Pilot Peter. And unfortunately right before she says Tyler’s name, we have a cut-over to Peter being oblivious to what is about to happen
Boy, this breakup is hard to watch. Hannah is very distraught – although some of that could just be buildup of all the prior Luke drama 10 minutes before but also because Peter is a sweet lovable guy, just not her guy and sometimes that’s harder than saying goodbye to the a-hole
Let’s cut back to the Live! Studio! Audience! with Chris Harrison and Peter ready to relive his heartbreak for the chance at being the next Bachelor.
And his sweet parents and brother are in the audience. Somewhat reminds me of how they kept dragging Nick Viall’s family out and crushing his sweet little sister’s heart every time he was dumped (3 times in the franchise, right?) just for TV purposes.
Then the whole thing takes a turn after Hannah comes out to give Peter closure. They still seem chummy and wishing each other well and because Chris Harrison can never let a good thing die he reminds them nobody will ever look at windmills the same ever again. In. Front. of. Peter’s. Parents! Except they seem oddly proud of their boy…
And then Hannah has her drop the mic moment that will now live on in Bachelor History forever, correcting us all that it wasn’t two times. It was actually… FOUR!
Cue insanity in the audience, Chris Harrison is saluting, all of Twitter is Freaking Out!
I think there is a mighty strong possibility Peter will be the next Bachelor, especially with all this hoopla. I just really hope they don’t drive the windmill thing into the ground like Colton’s virginity. Oh who am I kidding, this show LIVES for that shit.
Tyler Meets the Browns
I mean after all that, let’s get back to Tyler being literally the dream man for everyone, but can you imagine bringing him home to your parents?!?! Jack-freaking-pot! How is there even a question on who “wins” this thing?
Tyler continues to just hit us over the head with goodness and I think both Hannah’s parents want to marry him now.
So as I don’t continue to just gush because obviously I am deeply, deeply #teamtyler let’s move on to the rest of our time with Tyler, shall we?
Tyler’s Last Date
Prepared to swoon some more, instead I get a good laugh at Tyler being forced to ride horses again. Literally the only thing this guy isn’t good at in life.
So the rest of the date is straight out of a fantastic rom-com montage of falling in love in the Greek countryside. I literally could go on for days about Tyler. Please stop me. At least I know I’m not alone.
Jed Has… Qualities
Fresh off meeting a literal Greek god, Hannah’s family now gets to meet Jed and the bar has been set. Fortunately for all of us, Jed can’t read a room very well. Hannah wants him to talk about when they first met and Jed immediately launches into his career resume and how he came on the show with a girlfriend for “exposure” but fell in love in the process.
Needless to say, the Browns are not getting a great first impression of Jed
Jed sits down with Hannah’s dad and, again sensing the theme here… things did not go great. When Jed states his single biggest accomplishment to date is a jingle, I laughed so hard I woke up my dog.
And THANK YOU TO THE INTERNET because of course within minutes, someone found Jed’s dog food jingle and I’m pretty sure this is the same riff as “Mr. Right” what range, what skills. Enjoy.
Now we come to the portion of the date where Hannah gets the lowdown from each of her parents. First, her mom gives us this absolute gem of an endorsement:
And then Papa Brown tells her that he’s really got zero prospects. And of course Hannah now feels the need to defend Jed “but you don’t know him, dad!”
Once again, Hannah proves that she is not following the traditional script and is a strong, modern woman, reminding her dad that she can take care of herself and doesn’t need a man to provide for her. Hell Yes Hannah!
Jed’s Last Date
Well literally nothing about Jed is going how Hannah would like and it’s making her physically ill. Either that or bouncing around on a catamaran in choppy ocean waters. I’m putting my money on Jed though.
Let’s just say Jed doesn’t quite have the way with words that Tyler does. He’s lost without his guitar.
And now we wait for tomorrow… while being left with a less than happy looking Hannah warning us that it probably won’t be rainbows and butterflies and I think I see the Hannah-Beast a-brewing. Stay tuned!
The Bachelorennial 