Pilot Pete’s Pretty Picks – aka The Bio Breakdown

Starting off with the first of 4 (yes FOUR!) pageant winners.

Her favorite social media platform is Reddit which to me translates to someone who is going to be all about the gossip and dirt on the other ladies.

She just looks like a lot of fun. However, she loves amusement parks but hates roller coasters. Someone explain to me how that works, please?

She also divides her time between dancing in “da club” and “da book club” I swear these bios are so ridiculous.

She’s a cattle rancher/model. And I quote “There are days when I’m baling hay in the morning and going and doing a runway show at night”

One could say she has all the right moooves? Or not. Moving on.

Courtney is done with boys and wants a man. Well, dear, I’m sorry but they cast your for the wrong Bachelor because as a reminder, Peter still lives at home.

Also, she’s extremely claustrophobic so this living in a house with 30 women should work out well for her.

First impression – she’s just stunning, sort of a mix of Gabrielle Union and Jurnee Smollett.

She’s 23 so it should come as no surprise to read that she loves to spend her free time bar hopping – at least she’s honest and not saying she knits in her spare time.

Our first of 3 flight attendants, she’s a reformed sorority party girl… at 23… meaning it’s been a whole year since college and her whole profile is about the bad choices in men that she dates. All the guys that are former contestants from this show are getting an itchy trigger finger to start sliding into her DM’s without a doubt.

So we have another Hannah from the South but what does she have that is most in common with Peter? That’s right, she still lives at home. But that’s more acceptable to me at 23 versus 28

Also interesting to note that she was recommended for the show by one of those other Hannahs – little rapping Hannah G. At any rate, 23 year old ladies named Hannah have a good track record with this show so here’s hoping she has more personality than her bio does.

Flight Attendant #2, who is also a divorced Mormon. There’s a lot to unpack just with those first few sentences. And then her bio concludes that her life aesthetic could be called “organized chaos”. No red flags there at all. Not a one.

She’s working on her pilot’s license, she’s a flight attendant, yet… she’s afraid of heights. Her and the chick that likes amusement parks but not roller coasters should bunk together in the Oxymoron Room of the house.

Let’s just assume that Jasmine will never get married because she would propose to a man that can get her Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday (which is sadly, and much to my constant disappointment, impossible) OR can help her build a table and her biggest turn off is a guy who plays video games all day. Dating in 2019 is hard y’all.

Jenna is one of the two 22 year olds this season. I’m not sure what to say about her. She’s 22 and talks to her pet goldfish, George. Oh, AND she DOES say she spends time knitting! I was joking about that earlier. Good Lord.

Although, she loves Chrissy Teigen so she’s at least got that going for her in my book.

Katrina is basically the old maid in her family at the ripe age of 28 so she’s not creating any pressure to get a ring at the end of this at all.

I’m just going to skip over her unhealthy relationship with her hairless cat, k?

Her biggest pet peeve is not being in control. That should work in her favor on this show.

Ahhh, we’ve got an attorney to make us believe this show likes career women However, 2 of our former Bachelorettes were attorneys (Andi & Rachel). Neither of them continued to practice after the show, so there’s that.
Kelley also happened to meet Peter at a wedding prior to being on the show. Doesn’t sound like this was a Nick V and Liz situation (i.e. random hookup), but you can count on production to milk this info for all the drama they can squeeze from it!

First, what is a Professional Clothier? Is that the fancy way of saying she’s a stylist for Stitch Fix?

Second, she was Miss Iowa 2017 so add her to the ever-growing pageant queen list. and the bio suggests that at 28, she’s “lived more life” than most of the other girls. Oh sweetie, no.

Kiarra just looks like a super sweet bundle of fun. Hope this show doesn’t ruin her.

She gets my vote sheerly due to the fact that she’ll pick napping over any other activity. That speaks to me deeply at this stage of my life.

Okay this is a little mean but Kylie looks like she’s Hannah Brown’s botoxed older sister. This pic is not doing her any favors because she’s gorgeous but looks plastic. I think it’s the teeth. And no she’s not a pageant girl believe it or not.

Most of her bio is also about her bad choices in men. Can we just assume anyone going on this show isn’t exactly working with a satisfactory dating history?

Lauren is a career gal, marketing executive at a beauty company so she has/had a real job.

In possibly the cringiest line in all the bios (and that’s saying something) they state that while dance is her favorite sport (she was a Laker Girl for a season), she’s always open to a good game of tonsil hockey. Ew, seriously guys? Come on!

In the bucket of weird phobias: Lexi is afraid of frogs.

And I feel like a broken record but her biggest turn off is people who are desperate. You.Are.On.The.Wrong.Show.Lexi!

Also, this headshot makes her kind of look like the typical villian on a CW show, amiright?

I mean, what could I possibly say bad about someone who works to place foster kids and wants to open an orphanage one day.

I don’t think I can, I should probably try to go find something meaningful to do with my life instead. Moving on.

Maurissa technically gets to join the pageant queen ranks as having held the title of Miss Montana Teen USA 2013. Without that year, I would have assumed that it was last year because she looks maybe 18 at most.

Apparently her pageant experience was not good and left her with body image issues and I’ve got nothing here because it’s too sincere to snark on and her bio is overall relatively normal.

Flight Attendant #3 who looks so incredibly uncomfortable in this photo. Also uncomfortable? Listing yourself as a face mask enthusiast.

Wow, she looks so much like Dakota Johnson. And she’s our resident Canadian this season. According to the intro from Chris Harrison, she definitely takes after the favorite Canadian Bachelorettes (Kaitlyn and Jillian) as far as tons of personality.

Without seeing that her job was a fashion blogger you can just tell she’s always that girl that’s effortlessly adorable. barf. Ahhh to be 22 again.

This picture makes me think the photographer just pissed her right off somehow.

I’m not sure what to make of her bio. It’s just a bit boring, although I am intrigued to learn more about her pioneering the disco yoga fitness movement??? wth?

Payton recently discovered a 5th long lost sibling. Please let this girl get to hometowns so we can learn the Dr Phil-esque tea there.

Also, is it just me or is the ex-guy always jealous, cheating, or controlling. I haven’t seen one that says: he was just meh so I moved on…

Okay because there is literally nothing else interesting about Sarah (she binge-watches TV, she likes to eat!), can I take a moment to comment on the insane amount of over-the-shoulder/side eye headshots this season? It’s just a weird trend that makes it look like they’re all actually on America’s Next Top Model vying for a Cover Girl ad circa 2006. Okay I digress…

Oh my gosh, I’m just going to come out and say it, Savannah is going to be thirsty for IG sponsorships. She found a way to work “loves shopping at Revolve” into her bio. For those not up on this, Revolve is a HEAVY influencer driven brand that seems to really cater to ladies of the Bachelor franchise like Kaitlyn Bristowe and Amanda Stanton to name a couple that I just happen to follow.

Also, her boyfriend cheated on her while they were on a break (I think I read that right, I just don’t care to re-read it)

Shiann wins the bad dating history prize for trying to just slide finding out a guy was married into her list of bad dating experiences like it’s totally normal.

Everything else is just Vegas puns so here’s hoping she plays her cards right with Peter. Yep, I did that.

3000 words about her last relationship (or so it felt) but she’s ready to get back out there after a couple months of healing… Sure Jan.

Also, I know I work for a greeting card company, but I don’t know a single soul on this earth who would say their favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day. That’s just setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. What kind of sick sadistic monster are you?

Tammy is apparently that girl who does literally all the things and does them effortlessly. She’s like the next Joanna Gaines (even looks a little like her).

It’s not in her bio, but during the live reveal, Chris Harrison said she has something like 4 or 5 jobs. Here’s hoping this show leads her to scratch off most and just post spon-con on IG for a living so this girl gets a little break from the grind.

There’s honestly not a lot I can say about Victoria F, there’s been quite a bit about her out on social media that’s… not great. I’ll leave it there.

Honestly, her bio is so basic and boring that I’m left with nothing else. She’s not even original enough to be the only Victoria!

Well, I definitely can’t say that this Victoria has a boring story. She had a rough upbringing and also she’s the last of our pageant girls, as the current Miss Louisiana 2019

Nothing upsets her more than raisins in her cookies. Let’s ask her that question again after the show is over, shall we?