Author: vherbie

I watch a LOT of television and my default setting is sarcasm

Pilot Pete’s Pretty Picks – aka The Bio Breakdown

Instagram Influencers 2020 Conference – I mean Peter’s Bachelor contestants

Four pageant girls, three flight attendants, two Victorias, and a Peter in a windmilllllll!

The long awaited day has arrived. I’m telling you the stretch between the end of Bachelor in Paradise and the start of the Bachelor is both too long without the drama and also a welcome respite from the crazy. But I am SO ready to get back into it… you would think I didn’t have some major life event about to happen mid-season that I should be spending my brain power thinking about (my tiny Bachelorette #2 arrives in Feb for those that didn’t know)!

There has been so much good gossip about these ladies already before the season started but quite a bit of that could be considered spoiler-y so I’ll refrain from the best details since I have to keep those participating in my work bracket game as honest as I can!

So lets commence with the judgements, shall we? That’s what you all came here for! If you want to read the full bios (which are ridiculously long this season) and judge for yourself, here’s the link to the official Bachelor page: https://abc.com/shows/the-bachelor/news/updates/the-bachelor-2020-season-24-women-announced

Alayah, 24, Miss Texas 2019, San Antonio TX

Starting off with the first of 4 (yes FOUR!) pageant winners.

Her favorite social media platform is Reddit which to me translates to someone who is going to be all about the gossip and dirt on the other ladies.

Alexa, 27, Esthetician, Chicago IL

She just looks like a lot of fun. However, she loves amusement parks but hates roller coasters. Someone explain to me how that works, please?

She also divides her time between dancing in “da club” and “da book club” I swear these bios are so ridiculous.

Avonlea, 27, Cattle Rancher, Ft Worth TX

She’s a cattle rancher/model. And I quote “There are days when I’m baling hay in the morning and going and doing a runway show at night”

One could say she has all the right moooves? Or not. Moving on.

Courtney, 26, Cosmetologist, Venice FL

Courtney is done with boys and wants a man. Well, dear, I’m sorry but they cast your for the wrong Bachelor because as a reminder, Peter still lives at home.

Also, she’s extremely claustrophobic so this living in a house with 30 women should work out well for her.

Deandra, 23, Home Care Coordinator, Plano TX

First impression – she’s just stunning, sort of a mix of Gabrielle Union and Jurnee Smollett.

She’s 23 so it should come as no surprise to read that she loves to spend her free time bar hopping – at least she’s honest and not saying she knits in her spare time.

Eunice, 23, Flight Attendant, Chicago IL

Our first of 3 flight attendants, she’s a reformed sorority party girl… at 23… meaning it’s been a whole year since college and her whole profile is about the bad choices in men that she dates. All the guys that are former contestants from this show are getting an itchy trigger finger to start sliding into her DM’s without a doubt.

Hannah Ann, 23, Model, Knoxville TN

So we have another Hannah from the South but what does she have that is most in common with Peter? That’s right, she still lives at home. But that’s more acceptable to me at 23 versus 28

Also interesting to note that she was recommended for the show by one of those other Hannahs – little rapping Hannah G. At any rate, 23 year old ladies named Hannah have a good track record with this show so here’s hoping she has more personality than her bio does.

Jade, 26, Flight Attendant, Mesa AZ

Flight Attendant #2, who is also a divorced Mormon. There’s a lot to unpack just with those first few sentences. And then her bio concludes that her life aesthetic could be called “organized chaos”. No red flags there at all. Not a one.

She’s working on her pilot’s license, she’s a flight attendant, yet… she’s afraid of heights. Her and the chick that likes amusement parks but not roller coasters should bunk together in the Oxymoron Room of the house.

Jasmine, 25, Client Relations Manager, Houston TX

Let’s just assume that Jasmine will never get married because she would propose to a man that can get her Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday (which is sadly, and much to my constant disappointment, impossible) OR can help her build a table and her biggest turn off is a guy who plays video games all day. Dating in 2019 is hard y’all.

Jenna, 22, Nursing Student, New Lenox IL

Jenna is one of the two 22 year olds this season. I’m not sure what to say about her. She’s 22 and talks to her pet goldfish, George. Oh, AND she DOES say she spends time knitting! I was joking about that earlier. Good Lord.

Although, she loves Chrissy Teigen so she’s at least got that going for her in my book.

Katrina, 29, Pro Sports Dancer, Chicago IL

Katrina is basically the old maid in her family at the ripe age of 28 so she’s not creating any pressure to get a ring at the end of this at all.

I’m just going to skip over her unhealthy relationship with her hairless cat, k?

Her biggest pet peeve is not being in control. That should work in her favor on this show.

Kelley, 27, Attorney, Chicago IL

Ahhh, we’ve got an attorney to make us believe this show likes career women However, 2 of our former Bachelorettes were attorneys (Andi & Rachel). Neither of them continued to practice after the show, so there’s that.
Kelley also happened to meet Peter at a wedding prior to being on the show. Doesn’t sound like this was a Nick V and Liz situation (i.e. random hookup), but you can count on production to milk this info for all the drama they can squeeze from it!

Kelsey, 28, Professional Clothier, Des Moines IA

First, what is a Professional Clothier? Is that the fancy way of saying she’s a stylist for Stitch Fix?

Second, she was Miss Iowa 2017 so add her to the ever-growing pageant queen list. and the bio suggests that at 28, she’s “lived more life” than most of the other girls. Oh sweetie, no.

Kiarra, 23, Nanny, Kennesaw GA

Kiarra just looks like a super sweet bundle of fun. Hope this show doesn’t ruin her.

She gets my vote sheerly due to the fact that she’ll pick napping over any other activity. That speaks to me deeply at this stage of my life.

Kylie, 26, Entertainment Sales Associate, Santa Monica CA

Okay this is a little mean but Kylie looks like she’s Hannah Brown’s botoxed older sister. This pic is not doing her any favors because she’s gorgeous but looks plastic. I think it’s the teeth. And no she’s not a pageant girl believe it or not.

Most of her bio is also about her bad choices in men. Can we just assume anyone going on this show isn’t exactly working with a satisfactory dating history?

Lauren, 26, Marketing Executive, Glendale CA

Lauren is a career gal, marketing executive at a beauty company so she has/had a real job.

In possibly the cringiest line in all the bios (and that’s saying something) they state that while dance is her favorite sport (she was a Laker Girl for a season), she’s always open to a good game of tonsil hockey. Ew, seriously guys? Come on!

Lexi, 26, Marketing Coordinator, New York NY

In the bucket of weird phobias: Lexi is afraid of frogs.

And I feel like a broken record but her biggest turn off is people who are desperate. You.Are.On.The.Wrong.Show.Lexi!

Also, this headshot makes her kind of look like the typical villian on a CW show, amiright?

Madison, 23, Foster Parent Recruiter, Auburn AL

I mean, what could I possibly say bad about someone who works to place foster kids and wants to open an orphanage one day.

I don’t think I can, I should probably try to go find something meaningful to do with my life instead. Moving on.

Maurissa, 23, Patient Care Coordinator, Atlanta GA

Maurissa technically gets to join the pageant queen ranks as having held the title of Miss Montana Teen USA 2013. Without that year, I would have assumed that it was last year because she looks maybe 18 at most.

Apparently her pageant experience was not good and left her with body image issues and I’ve got nothing here because it’s too sincere to snark on and her bio is overall relatively normal.

Megan, 26, Flight Attendant, San Francisco CA

Flight Attendant #3 who looks so incredibly uncomfortable in this photo. Also uncomfortable? Listing yourself as a face mask enthusiast.

Mykenna, 22, Fashion Blogger, Langley BC Canada

Wow, she looks so much like Dakota Johnson. And she’s our resident Canadian this season. According to the intro from Chris Harrison, she definitely takes after the favorite Canadian Bachelorettes (Kaitlyn and Jillian) as far as tons of personality.

Without seeing that her job was a fashion blogger you can just tell she’s always that girl that’s effortlessly adorable. barf. Ahhh to be 22 again.

Natasha, 31, Event Planner, New York NY

This picture makes me think the photographer just pissed her right off somehow.

I’m not sure what to make of her bio. It’s just a bit boring, although I am intrigued to learn more about her pioneering the disco yoga fitness movement??? wth?

Payton, 23, Business Development Rep, Wellesley MA

Payton recently discovered a 5th long lost sibling. Please let this girl get to hometowns so we can learn the Dr Phil-esque tea there.

Also, is it just me or is the ex-guy always jealous, cheating, or controlling. I haven’t seen one that says: he was just meh so I moved on…

Sarah, 24, Medical Radiographer, Knoxville TN

Okay because there is literally nothing else interesting about Sarah (she binge-watches TV, she likes to eat!), can I take a moment to comment on the insane amount of over-the-shoulder/side eye headshots this season? It’s just a weird trend that makes it look like they’re all actually on America’s Next Top Model vying for a Cover Girl ad circa 2006. Okay I digress…

Savannah, 27, Realtor, Houston TX

Oh my gosh, I’m just going to come out and say it, Savannah is going to be thirsty for IG sponsorships. She found a way to work “loves shopping at Revolve” into her bio. For those not up on this, Revolve is a HEAVY influencer driven brand that seems to really cater to ladies of the Bachelor franchise like Kaitlyn Bristowe and Amanda Stanton to name a couple that I just happen to follow.

Also, her boyfriend cheated on her while they were on a break (I think I read that right, I just don’t care to re-read it)

Shiann, 27, Administrative Assistant, Las Vegas NV

Shiann wins the bad dating history prize for trying to just slide finding out a guy was married into her list of bad dating experiences like it’s totally normal.

Everything else is just Vegas puns so here’s hoping she plays her cards right with Peter. Yep, I did that.

Sydney, 24, Retail Marketing Manager, Birmingham AL

3000 words about her last relationship (or so it felt) but she’s ready to get back out there after a couple months of healing… Sure Jan.

Also, I know I work for a greeting card company, but I don’t know a single soul on this earth who would say their favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day. That’s just setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. What kind of sick sadistic monster are you?

Tammy, 24, House Flipper, Syracuse NY

Tammy is apparently that girl who does literally all the things and does them effortlessly. She’s like the next Joanna Gaines (even looks a little like her).

It’s not in her bio, but during the live reveal, Chris Harrison said she has something like 4 or 5 jobs. Here’s hoping this show leads her to scratch off most and just post spon-con on IG for a living so this girl gets a little break from the grind.

Victoria F, 25, Medical Sales Rep, Virginia Beach VA

There’s honestly not a lot I can say about Victoria F, there’s been quite a bit about her out on social media that’s… not great. I’ll leave it there.

Honestly, her bio is so basic and boring that I’m left with nothing else. She’s not even original enough to be the only Victoria!

Victoria P, 27, Nurse, Alexandria LA

Well, I definitely can’t say that this Victoria has a boring story. She had a rough upbringing and also she’s the last of our pageant girls, as the current Miss Louisiana 2019

Nothing upsets her more than raisins in her cookies. Let’s ask her that question again after the show is over, shall we?

And with that you now have met the new 30 future Instagram Influencers that will be selling us FabFitFun boxes and Hello Fresh for eternity… oh wait, I mean they’re totally here to marry Pilot Pete! Totally.

Hannah Finale Part 2: It’s Finally Over

It’s here. The End. The culmination of watching Hannah make a lot of really bad choices and just wishing that maybe she’ll get this last one right? However, Chris Harrison’s intro confirms the exact opposite is probably about to happen

After that intro, Hannah gives her monologue as she gets ready for her big decision. She also doesn’t sound super convinced with her choice, as evidenced by her freaking out and practically jumping out of the van en route to the Final Rose.

Neil Lane Arrives

As is customary, Neil Lane shows up to Greece for the free vacation to help give Hannah the perfect engagement ring. And once again, Jed is pretty much dialing it in.

Tyler is the First Out of the Limo

As most of you know, I read all the spoilers – meaning I KNOW THAT TYLER GETS DUMPED! However, somehow I was praying for a miracle and still felt myself getting extremely emotional seeing him get out of the limo first. I may have an unhealthy level of adoration for this man. But it’s good to know that I’m not alone out there

Tyler is, as always, ready with the perfect beautiful speech to make us all swoon and starts right in, all while Hannah is trying to figure out when to interrupt and stop him

I legit started to tear up when Tyler realized what was happening and said “this isn’t happening” but was still truly the most gentle soul and wishing her the best

Jed Arrives With His Damn Guitar

I mean, do I really need to say anymore than that heading? What in the actual F? Now we know why Chris said this proposal was truly cringeworthy! Yeesh.

After the Proposal

Ahhhh finally, we get to see the aftermath of Hannah discovering what we’ve all known for the past month or so – that Jed is the captain of the douche-canoe

There’s a lot to unpack here, but Jed just really dug himself deeper and deeper each time he opened his mouth for an explanation

This might have been my favorite tweet of the entire night

Also fun to see was the editor from People magazine providing some side commentary that just confirms even more. I really won’t post it all here, but let me tell you – both People and Reality Steve had WAY more dirt than what’s been even released out there.

The biggest takeaway here was Jed trying to say he was never dating Haley (despite saying “I love you”, going on several trips, being together the night before he left to film, etc, etc, etc) AND that in some strange world he lives in, he broke up with her in his head so she should have known it was over. Whaaaaa?!?!?!

What was really great was seeing the moment that it all clicked for Hannah as to why his family was SO awkward and uncomfortable and was practically telling her to run during hometowns. I applauded her “clarity” in that moment.

And a collective sigh of relief (and applause across America) when Hannah takes off her ring and tells Jed she’s done.

Live with Chris Harrison

Now we get back to the studio and Chris Harrison is ready to see Jed ripped a new one in person. Hannah comes out looking possibly the hottest she has all season. Yes Girl Yes!

Hannah talks about how much she has grown and learned and Chris jumps right to it – are you still with Jed?

Time for Jed to come out and face the music as it were (not his music, thank the Good Lord!) Not even Luke P had such a terrible amount of applause. So uncomfortable

And I somewhat feared that he would find a way to apologize enough to get a second chance with Hannah. Thank goodness she shut that shit down, fast and in such a classy way, saying she’s been hurt but doesn’t want to hurt him.

Hannah and Tyler Round 2?

Now that we’ve sufficiently cancelled Jed from our collective lives, Hannah shakes it off like T. Swift and gears up to see Tyler again. This was SO perfectly set up and I was literally squealing on my couch in anticipation of Hannah getting a do-over

Everything about their interaction was adorable and their body language made it pretty apparent that they’re still into each other (especially Hannah’s, girl was middle-school giddy) even though Tyler also seemed a bit cautious also. I mean Hannah did reject him for Jed-the-Giant-Head

OMG Hannah asks Tyler to go out for drinks and I was screaming!!! YAY! Get your man, girl!!!

All we can hope from here is to NEVER hear from Jed again and to hopefully get a camera on Hannah and Tyler’s drink date because I am SO invested in them making this work and having the most beautiful babies the world has ever seen.

Now on to the glorious trash fire that is always Bachelor in Paradise. Can’t wait to hear the glorious tune of “Almost Paradise” for the intro video next Monday night!

Hannah Finale Part 1: 4 TIMES!

I’m going to try to do separate recaps of both nights here, because there is so much and I just wouldn’t be doing justice to any of the good stuff if I tried to lump it all into one. Plus, after tomorrow, I’m officially on hiatus until Bachelor – unless I come up with a quicker format for BIP because mama needs a break!

Whoa, Peter, Whoa!

We return to the never-ending rose ceremony to see Hannah doing calming breathing exercises and Chris Harrison moving the podium back (classic)

Jumping right in, Hannah gives her first rose to… Jed. Great.

And the next rose to… Tyler. Phew. Although that means goodbye Pilot Peter. And unfortunately right before she says Tyler’s name, we have a cut-over to Peter being oblivious to what is about to happen

Boy, this breakup is hard to watch. Hannah is very distraught – although some of that could just be buildup of all the prior Luke drama 10 minutes before but also because Peter is a sweet lovable guy, just not her guy and sometimes that’s harder than saying goodbye to the a-hole

Let’s cut back to the Live! Studio! Audience! with Chris Harrison and Peter ready to relive his heartbreak for the chance at being the next Bachelor.

And his sweet parents and brother are in the audience. Somewhat reminds me of how they kept dragging Nick Viall’s family out and crushing his sweet little sister’s heart every time he was dumped (3 times in the franchise, right?) just for TV purposes.

Then the whole thing takes a turn after Hannah comes out to give Peter closure. They still seem chummy and wishing each other well and because Chris Harrison can never let a good thing die he reminds them nobody will ever look at windmills the same ever again. In. Front. of. Peter’s. Parents! Except they seem oddly proud of their boy…

And then Hannah has her drop the mic moment that will now live on in Bachelor History forever, correcting us all that it wasn’t two times. It was actually… FOUR!

Cue insanity in the audience, Chris Harrison is saluting, all of Twitter is Freaking Out!

I think there is a mighty strong possibility Peter will be the next Bachelor, especially with all this hoopla. I just really hope they don’t drive the windmill thing into the ground like Colton’s virginity. Oh who am I kidding, this show LIVES for that shit.

Tyler Meets the Browns

I mean after all that, let’s get back to Tyler being literally the dream man for everyone, but can you imagine bringing him home to your parents?!?! Jack-freaking-pot! How is there even a question on who “wins” this thing?

Tyler continues to just hit us over the head with goodness and I think both Hannah’s parents want to marry him now.

So as I don’t continue to just gush because obviously I am deeply, deeply #teamtyler let’s move on to the rest of our time with Tyler, shall we?

Tyler’s Last Date

Prepared to swoon some more, instead I get a good laugh at Tyler being forced to ride horses again. Literally the only thing this guy isn’t good at in life.

So the rest of the date is straight out of a fantastic rom-com montage of falling in love in the Greek countryside. I literally could go on for days about Tyler. Please stop me. At least I know I’m not alone.

Jed Has… Qualities

Fresh off meeting a literal Greek god, Hannah’s family now gets to meet Jed and the bar has been set. Fortunately for all of us, Jed can’t read a room very well. Hannah wants him to talk about when they first met and Jed immediately launches into his career resume and how he came on the show with a girlfriend for “exposure” but fell in love in the process.

Needless to say, the Browns are not getting a great first impression of Jed

Jed sits down with Hannah’s dad and, again sensing the theme here… things did not go great. When Jed states his single biggest accomplishment to date is a jingle, I laughed so hard I woke up my dog.

And THANK YOU TO THE INTERNET because of course within minutes, someone found Jed’s dog food jingle and I’m pretty sure this is the same riff as “Mr. Right” what range, what skills. Enjoy.

Now we come to the portion of the date where Hannah gets the lowdown from each of her parents. First, her mom gives us this absolute gem of an endorsement:

And then Papa Brown tells her that he’s really got zero prospects. And of course Hannah now feels the need to defend Jed “but you don’t know him, dad!”

Once again, Hannah proves that she is not following the traditional script and is a strong, modern woman, reminding her dad that she can take care of herself and doesn’t need a man to provide for her. Hell Yes Hannah!

Jed’s Last Date

Well literally nothing about Jed is going how Hannah would like and it’s making her physically ill. Either that or bouncing around on a catamaran in choppy ocean waters. I’m putting my money on Jed though.

Let’s just say Jed doesn’t quite have the way with words that Tyler does. He’s lost without his guitar.

And now we wait for tomorrow… while being left with a less than happy looking Hannah warning us that it probably won’t be rainbows and butterflies and I think I see the Hannah-Beast a-brewing. Stay tuned!

Hannah’s Men Tell All – The End of the Luke P Show

Quite possibly one of the best moments in Bachelor/Bachelorette history IMHO

Was this really a Men Tell All if the actual MTA didn’t start until after 9? What a literal shit show this whole thing was. While I enjoyed SO many moments of Hannah taking Luke down, the fact that this toxic guy has been given so much energy and screen time is infuriating!

The Wildest Rose Ceremony Ever

The show picks up where it should have finished last week with Hannah heading into the rose ceremony relieved to be rid of Luke P forever (haha, nice but nope) but still having to send another guy home (which ALSO was a lie)

So Hannah is completely clueless to what she is walking into and the guys actually had zero idea that Luke shouldn’t have been there. The whole thing was so creepy and I swear I think I held my breath waiting for the moment that Hannah turned the corner.

Throughout all this the guys are still clueless that Hannah actually already tried to send Luke home, they just think he’s being his typical douche self…

…until Hannah drops the bomb that she already sent him home and honestly Jed’s reaction made my laugh so hard

Luke continues to try to convince Hannah that she isn’t in control of her own decisions and keeps asking her what she wants and CLEARLY has told him she wants him to LEAVE! It’s so uncomfortable.

And as I stated in the caption up top, I’m pretty sure Hannah picking up the rose podium and moving it away from Luke might be in my Top 5 moments of all time from this franchise. The fact she didn’t actually reel back and whack him with it shows the incredible amount of restraint she had that I would not have.

And of course rather than giving us the satisfaction of seeing the rest of the rose ceremony we are being denied… the show cuts back to Chris Harrison about to make us listen to EVEN MORE CRAP from Luke for who-knows-how-much-longer!! The spoilers I read said he was on stage with Chris for TWO WHOLE HOURS, so just let that sink in after having watched his painful pauses and repeatedly trying to explain himself. I guess it could have been worse, but it could have been better. Nobody needed all of that.

It’s incredibly hard to sum up the entirety of Luke’s solo time with Chris Harrison outside the fact that he spent most of it saying that he wanted to be clear/not be misconstrued/etc all while talking in circles and taking zero accountability and actually literally saying he regrets nothing

https://twitter.com/tiarachel91/status/1153463393162072064

Luke really did nothing to redeem himself and actually may have came off scarier than before as it pertains to his thoughts on women

Somewhere to the end of this madness, Luke starts to get snarky with Chris Harrison as if Chris isn’t smart enough to understand the random talking words and pauses that are coming from Luke’s toxic brain and HELL TO THE NO YOU DO NOT DISRESPECT Mr. Chris Harrison!

And now FINALLY, the rest of the men make their way to the stage while Luke still sits in the Hot Seat. Honestly, this was where it became overkill. Yes, the guys had every right to tell Luke he was a pile of trash, but I had such Luke fatigue at that point I just wanted him to get the heck off the stage.

While there were several smackdown shots at Luke (looking at you, young sweet Connor with the F*** You!) Mike delivered the kill shot

And of course, lest we forget that Hannah had her say with him

Okay y’all, the last thing I shall write about Luke for now…

https://twitter.com/KKNO/status/1153471880243949568

He was given the opportunity to truly apologize to Hannah, given he had a couple months to reflect on his actions. Yes, he technically apologized for “making her time difficult” but that was not remotely the apology that he should have given her. I don’t think he has the ability to see that he’s wrong. He’s a self-righteous, narcissistic, troll-weasel (don’t ask, I’m just going with it)

https://twitter.com/elanarubin/status/1153478585707040769

The Rest of the Men Tell All

John Paul Jones

This man is a national treasure and truly just seemed that he was having so much fun being there and did not want to be part of any drama, he just wanted to eat nuggets, take a paid-for extended vacation, and gain more Instagram followers. I cannot wait to see him on BIP (although I worry a bit seeing him crying and fighting Derek!)

Mike for Bachelor!

Okay, okay, okay. Let me first clarify, in my book, there are two other candidates for Bachelor but technically speaking, they are still in the running for Hannah’s heart (everyone not named Jed because he is Trashman #2 from this season) so of the non-top 3 guys – Mike is clearly the fan favorite. A few snippets of those that agree with me, including Tyler himself!

https://twitter.com/MishFish143/status/1153481495450796032

Final Thoughts

And yes, I say it every Tell All and I have resigned myself that this is the hill I will die on, but I truly think this franchise would be well served to take a page from the great OG of reality television (the Real World/Road Rules/Challenge franchise) and dedicate an entire bloopers/outtakes episode a la “The Sh*t They Should Have Shown”. Just add this to the laundry list of things I’d do if I were queen of the world. Although… how Chris Harrison hasn’t made this happen is very disappointing to me knowing his stance on bloopers.

Hannah Week 9: Fantasy Suites

I’m struggling with this recap because what else additional can I say that all of you haven’t read? It’s been all over the interwebs everywhere all week because this episode was HOT NEWS! Along with how every person everywhere will look in 30 years time.

Which means this may end up the shortest recap I’ve ever written so let’s get down to it, shall we?

Peter

So Peter is the King of the Windmill! Not who I would have placed my bet on but good on him!

Tyler

Every week I think Tyler can’t get any hotter, and every week I’m proven wrong. Damn! Being respectful is sexy, y’all. Oh and the massage of course…

Jed

Honestly, this tweet sums up everything I thought about Jed’s date. Womp womp. He’s not Luke-level bad, but he’s not real far behind

https://twitter.com/JillBiden_ish/status/1150930890689798144

Luke

Aaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnddddddddd NOW for the MAAAAAAAAIIIINNN EVENT!

Before we get to all that though, we’re shown a nausea-inducing date where Hannah just gushes over everything about Luke. I honestly straight up gagged when she talked about kissing him and his eyes (his eyes are the literally the scariest part of him other than his teeny tiny brain)

And now we finally get to what we’ve been waiting for all season. And to be honest we saw most of it in previews throughout the season but to see it all play out really made me proud of Hannah for standing up for herself. Look, Luke had the right to ask her the question, but he didn’t ask – he basically just told her “you better not have or you’re a dirty dirty sinner!” That’s my summation, lol. Anywhooo, here’s the best reactions because let’s face it, this was pretty great drama no matter how you slice it, with a thunderstorm in the background just for emphasis!

And after all that we see in the previews that for SOME REASON (thanks evil producers) Luke decides he “forgives” Hannah for what she has done so she’ll obviously be so happy to see him back and he SHOWS UP AT THE ROSE CEREMONY! From the looks of things, it did not go as he planned in his head, but we’ll have to wait and see next week

Last but certainly not least, I want to bring attention to the fact that Luke appears to show NO clue that how he approached the topic and his controlling behavior was wrong because he actually created a Twitter account Monday night for the sole purpose of starting another fight with Hannah! I tried to put them in order below, they get basically into a theological war of words but Hannah definitely ended it with a fantastic reference to Bologna-gate.

Hannah Week 9: Hometowns

Same, Jed. Same.

Ahhhh, we’ve reached that time in the season where we get to meet the people that shaped who these men became in all their Bachelor-contestant glory.

I’ll preface this recap also with the fact that my 2 year old seems to be in some sort of sleep regression so I’ve had very little time to devote to my favorite guilty pleasure. And given that nobody went home after all of this, it feels like 2 hours of my life that meant nothing in the grand scheme of life.

Peter the Pilot

In the least surprising plot twist of the season, Peter takes Hannah up in a plane for their day date

But not before they drive in “his baby” (ew) and Hannah starts snooping through the console and finds a condom (another ew)

And let me just say, Peter’s family is so sweet and practically too good to be true. Hannah fits in perfectly with all their sunshine and quirky shouted German prayers. Side note – as someone who married into a VERY German (Lutheran) family… this is not normal, or maybe it’s normal for California Germans? I dunno. But everything else about Peter’s parents just filled me with rainbows and butterflies

Tyler the Beautiful

After the warm fuzzies of Peter’s date, we move on to even warmer temperatures and less clothes (SO not complaining!) with Tyler in Jupiter, Florida. I’m having serious FL envy currently so this did not help the green tropical monster bubbling within. My friends were just loading up my IG feed from Key West, my boss is in Clearwater this week, now Tyler is showing Hannah about that life. *Sigh*

After rubbing lotion all over each other and having a blast dancing to a local band (fun to watch but mostly uneventful) they go to meet Tyler’s family and Tyler cannot wait to see his dad, who has been very sick and they haven’t been in contact while he’s been filming. Cue the waterworks, folks.

Again, everyone in Tyler’s family seems perfectly normal, sweet, and Tyler just makes himself even more incredibly great. And lastly, he tried to get freaky with Hannah in the back of her Uber, lol

Swoon

Luke the Lame

And just when I’ve got all the good feels, all of it comes to a screeching halt now that we’re going to Luke’s hometown. Let me start by saying, there seems to be nothing wrong with his family, per se. Heck, they even ask Hannah why she’s still kept him around?

What I don’t get is if all these folks are brainwashed (or paid) to think that Luke is a nice guy or if he might be normal in real life but this show brought out some of the absolute worst qualities that a man could have.

At any rate, it all seems to work on Hannah (although her hindsight now says otherwise, see Exhibits A and B below)

Jed the Jerk

In an even less surprising plot development than Peter taking Hannah flying, Jed once again turns a date into a chance to audition on national television without those pesky judges telling him HE SUCKS!

Look, just like last week, knowing about Jed’s shenanigans makes it REALLY hard to watch him and believe a word that comes out of his mouth. And by the looks of it, his family couldn’t really muster up any decent acting skills to pull it off either. Very rarely have I ever seen the entire family practically just pissed off to be sitting there. I feel like the inner monologue for all 3 went like this “WTH JED, WE JUST MET YOUR ACTUAL GIRLFRIEND A FEW MONTHS AGO AND YOU SAID YOU’D BE ON THE SHOW A FEW WEEKS FOR EXPOSURE AND WE DID NOT SIGN UP TO PERPETUATE THIS MESS!”

Suffice to say, neither Jed nor Hannah went away with the warm fuzzies of a successful hometown date. Which leads us to…

The Rose Ceremony That Didn’t Matter!

Peter and Tyler get roses so all seems right thus far… then Hannah breaks down (again) and says she can’t choose between Jed and Luke. Never, not once, has it been an option to just say nah, I wanna go to the Fantasy Suites with 4 guys instead of 3. But gotta keep things interesting after 30+ seasons I guess. My vote obviously would be that the both kick rocks, but hey what do I know?

So in the end, they all get roses and I just wasted 2 hours for this. Okay fine, I decided I adore Peter and Tyler and one of them better be the Bachelor if it’s not Mike but come on!

At least next week the windmill mystery will be solved, Luke will get his ass kicked to the curb finally (we think…) and we will only have a few weeks left of this Hot Mess Express.

Hannah Week 7: What a Bunch of Bologna

Y’all SO much happened this week, yet just like the Colton fence jump – we are all just sitting around waiting until the upcoming episode where Hannah and Luke (now that the previews have gone ahead and spoiled themselves) get into it over premarital relations (there’s my G-rated version of what Hannah actually said which I LOVED!)

But before we can get to that Hannah had to dump almost half the guys this week and not a single one of them was the 5’8 villian himself…again.

Also, Hannah live-tweeted a LOT of hilarity during this episode. I basically could have written this recap with just her reaction tweets so they’ll be heavily featured for sure. I almost snorted my drink out my nose at one in particular.

First 1-on-1 Goes to Jed

It is almost as painful to watch anything with Jed at this point as it is Luke. Almost. Ugh – well at least he’s not a rage monster I guess? So rather than recap the actual boring date itself – here’s several tweets about Jed being trash. Enjoy.

Tyler and Hannah Horse Around

Good golly, Miss Molly, I could not love Tyler more! And yes I roasted the hell out of his profile before the season started b/c he looked like an Ivy League Douche Frat Guy… but turns out, he is a DELIGHT and he also was rocking the live-tweet game last night!

After Hannah and Tyler basically terrorized a village on some unruly horses, they sat down for the typical dinner date where they talked about feelings and life and such

Oh Connor, Connor, Connor

After discovering that Mike is getting the 3rd 1-on-1 (yay Mike!) poor forgotten about Connor is distraught and decides he needs to talk to Hannah and sort this out pack his bags. I mean really, what did he think was going to happen? Oh, you’re right, I’ll tell Mike I’m taking you instead. However, Connor was valid in saying all the Luke drama made it hard for a gentle soul such as himself to actually find time with her.

Getting Artsy with Mike

I was really excited for some quality Mike time but everything about the date showed that Hannah just really likes him as a person and doesn’t really want to move things out of the friend zone

I wanted to enjoy watching Mike get partially undressed and have fun, but everything from Hannah’s side seemed forced and crying alone looking at a bunch of art before the dinner portion of the date did not put my mind at ease.

Same Diggy, same.

And then Hannah breaks Mike’s heart before a sip of wine can even be had. My only solace is that Mike will either be in Paradise or our next Bachelor (I opt for the latter!)

https://twitter.com/aratatweets/status/1145870241894940672

After mourning the loss of Mike, they decide to put more salt in the wound by cutting back to the bro-tel room where Luke is of course being his trash self saying how he hopes Mike goes home. F*** Off Luke! And Tyler gives us perhaps one of the best lines of the entire season:

Luke couldn’t even respond (and God bless Peter stifling a laugh!)

The “3-on-1” Group Date

And now on to the portion of the episode where I go from sad to enraged and annoyed like has happened pretty much every episode of the season. Each week before going to bed I seem to need a brain cleanse from the b.s. that I’ve just witnessed. Monday night that took the form of re-watching an adorable video of my 2-year old daughter singing “Let It Go” (a movie she has made me watch over 375 times so I must have been a little desperate.)

Before the guys leave, Tyler gives well wishes to everyone but Luke (and none for Gretchen Weiners) and Jed’s advice to Luke is “keep your head out of your ass” Solid advice, there Jed. From your lips to God’s ears to Luke in the shower.

And can I just say props to production for forcing these guys into the back of a Fiat together?

So let’s be honest – I don’t remember if they actually did anything on this date other than sit around and stare angrily at each other (well not Peter because he is too pure for that nonsense)

Luke is the first to take off with Hannah and wastes no time trashing all the other guys (clearly not keeping said head out of said ass). This is just SO infuriating to watch!

The “fun” begins when Garrett returns to sitting in a giant room with Luke and a tray of cold cuts. The real victims here are us and that salami that was called bologna. I want to be on Garrett’s side here, I really do b/c I can damn well assure you I’ll never take Luke’s side, but he was just trying too hard to instigate Luke into a blow-up. It worked effectively, but also what’s the point if Hannah wasn’t there to see it?

https://twitter.com/jordynhtaylor/status/1145867872675278849

After slapping bologna into Garrett’s lap (really awkward btw), Luke storms off and tries to vent to Peter, who is having NONE of it, reminding him that he promised not to be the worst and is failing miserably (in the nicest Peter the Pilot way possible, of course)

Now Pilot Peter gets to go do what Pilot Peter does best and be adorable, of course landing him the first rose and the freedom to scoot on back to the bro-tel and celebrate with Jed and his BFF Tyler

We’re down to Luke and Garrett and the classic 2-on-1 face-off dinner. Once again, Luke starts things off and decides it is time to share the story we have all heard since the start of the season about his man-whoring ways until he heard the voice of God in the shower.

Image result for real genius god kent

Important Side Note: If y’all don’t know about the movie I’m referencing below, I’m truly sorry and please find Real Genius on Prime Video (or Youtube I think). I promise you it is well worth it and one of my favorite 80’s “teen” movies of all time (and that is saying something!)

Now it’s Garrett’s turn to throw a Hail Mary to stay another week and he confesses his love, thinking he just secured that rose. It’s obvious he’s a little too confident that Luke couldn’t possibly stay.

And in an absolutely NOT shocking turn of events, Hannah once again chooses Luke and sends Garrett packing.

Clearly hindsight is 20/20 here for Hannah as evidenced by her tweets

The fact that she is watching with her parents and then the mother of all previews reveals some more of the not actually scandalous activities that cause the Luke slut-shaming conversation to go down, I have second-hand embarrassment for her.

Cannot wait until next week’s episode, hometowns are generally my favorite but honestly, I really just want to get to the Fantasy Suites week to find out who did the dirty in a windmill… twice! 😉

Hannah Week 6: Latvia is for Lovers

Another week another Luke-driven drama-fest. At least this time it only took up around 60-70% of the show so we at least got to devote some time to Garrett and Peter the Pilot.

Speaking of devoting time, I could not bring myself last week to recap a show that was pretty much just a clip show. That and I was just too darn tired, but I’ll blame it on Luke fatigue.

Welcome to Latvia

We start off the episode in the grand Bachelorette tradition of name dropping the location about 50 times in 5 minutes and acting like it’s the dream location each and every one of these guys put on their vision boards to visit when they were kids

Garrett 1-on-1

Yes, they went Bungee jumping *naked* (see below) and had a legitimate conversation but all we really learned here was that Garrett doesn’t like football (how was this not a Bama-Hannah deal breaker) and got in trouble with his family for being a pro golfer?

The true purpose of this date mostly seemed just to fuel more Luke P fury at the thought of his rival being naked with “his woman”.

It’s really after the date when the action happens as Garrett comes back to the hotel to tell the guys about the date and Luke’s anger is like an actual cartoon character (which production obviously caught on to)

Group Date

The remaining guys not named Garrett or Peter head out for their group date of primarily eating cheese and drinking and just having a good time

Everyone is having a great time, getting along, enjoying the day. And whaddayaknow… Luke just can’t let that happen

And then there is WAY too much conversation about driving in lanes, looking in other lanes, etc. etc. It just once again reaffirms Luke is THE dimmest bulb in the box.

Luke then gets to further his current narrative by confronting Hannah about her “troubling behavior” I hate him so much

And the fact that he somehow thought he was going to get the group date rose after that?!?! On what delusional planet does this trash man live on?

Peter’s 1-on-1

Thank you sweet baby Jesus for putting Peter the Pilot on this season. He is a ray of sweet sweet sunshine. Hannah takes Peter on some sort of spa day. We all know how these dates go – heavy on the PDA and sexual innuendo. What I was not expecting was the creepy hippy couple showing them the ropes so to speak.

Hannah and Peter obviously have some serious chemistry and if she does not pick him, he better darn well be our next Bachelor because we need more of this dear sweet man. Also, he needs to be required to speak more Spanish 🙂

Jed “sneaks” over to visit Hannah

Later that night, Jed decides he just has to see Hannah promote himself some more and sneaks over to Hannah’s hotel room. So sneaky with a camera and producer along with you…

Jed is completely playing from the Wes Haydn handbook (for those newer to the franchise, google Jillian Harris’ season) Country singer, front runner, what else? Oh! Right! He had/has a girlfriend that actually agreed to him going on the show to further his career.

It’s hard to miss it out on the interwebs right now, but let me also tell you this is nothing new – you’d be surprised at how many of these people have someone else right up until the day they start filming but not all of those people come forward. Not a good look for ol’ Jeddy-boy that’s for sure. Makes it really hard to watch his interactions with Hannah, too.

Another Twarted Cocktail Party

Hannah shows up to have another conversation with Luke prior to the Rose Ceremony/Cocktail Party-That-Never-Happens, giving him the chance to redeem himself after basically slut-shaming Hannah but instead he gaslights like nobody has gaslighted before

I will honestly admit how much I misjudged Tyler at the start. This guy is what the kids these days call “woke.” Dude can’t dance for crap but I am here for the fact that he treats Hannah like a man should in 2019 rather than 1919 *ahem Luke*

Once again, thanks to Luke’s shenanigans, there is no cocktail party – straight to the Rose Ceremony. And somehow after allllll this b.s. Luke still gets a rose sending Dustin and Dylan home (again I say who? but mostly keeping ANYBODY other than Luke would have been preferable)

Hannah Week 5: The Luke-Ness Monster

I have a feeling this recap is going to be rather short because almost 45 minutes were spent with Hannah and Luke talking but actually saying nothing and me praying for a short sweet death to take me out of this hell.

Before we get to that sheer waste of all of our time, we have to start back where they left us hanging this week… which also involves Luke and other Luke still getting nowhere and pissing off Hannah enough that she cancels the rest of the cocktail party to go straight to the rose ceremony that SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED LAST WEEK!

Before Hannah hands out the roses, Luke S asks to talk to her and sends himself home. Why did we have to sit through all that fighting last week just for you to peace out unceremoniously?? Also, rather than give another guy an additional week, Chris Harrison comes in and yanks away a rose from the table

And we’re blessed with the pure intellect of these men:

In addition to Luke S sending himself home, Hannah says goodbye to Matteo and the man who will surely bring the party to Paradise: John Paul Jones. That goofball was really growing on me

I’m still laughing at this Office clip on maybe the 50th viewing “You Bastards!”

Time to Travel Abroad

We’ve reached the portion of the season where they take the shit show overseas. First stop, Scotland! And also the first date goes to fan favorite, Mike. I’d love to spend WAY more time focusing on my adoration of Mike versus my disgust of Luke P, but I digress. Of course Mike ended up with the rose after their delightful easy-breeze day together.

And just a reminder that Mike is KING of facial expressions which is a big positive in my book, given I’m also know to be a bit extra-expressive from time-to-time aka all the time!

Bro Day Date

Something I don’t believe I’ve ever seen them do before, but while Mike is on his date with Hannah, the rest of the guys go out to explore on their own chaperoned by producers. And to sum up the entirety of this segment: Luke P (aka Luke-ness Monster) is a big-ass douche-canoe

Kilt-ing it on the Group Date

All the guys sans Mike and Luke P get to attempt several feats of strength, while also showing off their…ahem… manliness in the true Scottish tradition of going commando under their kilts. Which is all well and good until they begin a round of wrestling

As we move to the night portion of the date, Hannah gets in some serious makeout sessions with Jed, Peter, etc etc.

But by far my favorite was somewhat of a callback to Jed walking in on Hannah with Luke P, Kevin walks in on Hannah devouring Jed’s face and it was gold.

Luke P 1-on-1

And here we go. Because I cannot express all the mental pain the entirety of this date caused me (at least until they slapped the To Be Continued up), the rest of the episode/date is just getting summed up with these tweets, 95% of which come from my favorite guy that I wish was my bestie in real life: Brett Vergara. (side note: I realized that almost every tweet that I liked from tonight was done by him so in reality he basically wrote this recap for me!) I don’t know if you all have caught on to this in prior recaps but I really really really think Luke is a horrible human being. really.

https://twitter.com/JillBiden_ish/status/1138619479380975619
https://twitter.com/flies_with_owls/status/1138619787192520705

And just think, we get to see MORE of this at the start of next week! yay.

Hannah Week 4: Luke-on-Luke Violence

Hey everyone! So first let me apologize for the fact that I only half-finished recapping last weeks episode so I never posted. Was prepping for my 2 year old’s birthday party over the weekend on top of what seemed like a thousand other random things going on! I guess I had priorities, who knew.

So onward to this week, which was basically a continuation of the storyline that Luke P is a gigantic tool…

… and Hannah continues to slightly ignore the red flags for reasons that I cannot comprehend at this time.

After a weird little staged recap from the guys of the previous weeks drama, Chris Harrison comes in to tell the guys to pack their bags for the glamorous first destination of… Rhode Island…

Jed’s One-on-One

Hannah takes Jed on the first 1-on-1 of the week for some sightseeing in Rhode Island Boston including the most awkward Halo Top product placement possible

However, the date does get pretty cool when Jed and Hannah head over to The Garden and meet Jaylen Brown (unrelated to Hannah obvi) and Terry Rozier for a little 2-on-2 pickup game. I don’t have much snark here because it was cute and fun and not super corny (mostly).

At dinner that night Jed starts setting the stage for what typically is going to be a tragic/heartbreak story designed to make Hannah see he’s serious. Instead, for what may be the first time in history, a contestant declares outright what everyone already knows but nobody says: He came on the show for fame and exposure. *GASP*

And.it.worked. Mostly because I’m sure Hannah wanted to say “How do you think I got here in the first place? Miss Alabama was not enough to get free FabFitFun boxes!”

Hyper Aggressive Rugby Match

Everything about this rugby match was designed to push Luke P’s aggressively competitive and potentially violent nature front and center.

Yet, there’s John Paul Jones representing for those of us that don’t want to crack skulls. I can’t wait for this guy in Paradise

How Hannah never once got confused and yelled “Roll Tide” is beyond me. Also, her level of enjoyment at the whole “blood, sweat, and tears” thing was next level

So we finally come to the pivotal moment that defines the entire rest of this episode and possibly next week as well: the Luke on Luke violence. See exhibit A below:

Of course both Lukes have a different version of what happened. But surprise of all surprises, all the rest of the guys agree that Luke P was out of line and a raging lunatic to put it mildly.

At the evening portion of the date, Luke P is essentially in the hot seat and is doing his best to play innocent and at the same time manipulate Hannah to think Luke S isn’t all that into her anyway. Garrett and Mike are having none of this mess (and Mike continues to have none of it later in the episode but we’ll get to that!) especially when Luke pulls the “oh NOW i remember”

Two side notes happening during all of this

  1. Peter asking Hannah to be his girlfriend is too pure for this world. Swoon!
  2. What did they do to Kevin?

There is no resolution this night in Luke vs Luke, Hannah is just distraught with confusion. Newsflash! They both aren’t all that great! Move along!

Tyler C Date

Tyler has the next one-on-one but first Hannah is having a small breakdown and is worried she’ll ruin her date.

Tyler basically came at her with a movie-worthy speech about how he’ll be there for her and let’s just end this show now shall we? geez!

To sum up…primarily because it wasn’t that eventful and also because I sort of passed out for a bit, they went lobster fishing and then dinner and then danced in front of Jake Owen, someone people actually may have heard of!

https://twitter.com/amerikenz/status/1136082238091812866

Cocktail Party minus the Party part

And now we’re back at it with Luke P vs. Luke S… but also Mike v. Luke P. Let’s just say Mike wins. He will ALWAYS win!

And basically every guy takes their turn trying to tell Hannah he’s gotta go

Finally at 9:58, in an effort to stir up more drama put an end to it all, Hannah asks both Lukes to come with her aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddd TO BE CONTINUED!

See you next week!