Author: vherbie

I watch a LOT of television and my default setting is sarcasm

Hannah Week 2 Recap: What a Drag

Overall, this episode was a bit of a snoozefest, but there were some bright moments. Honestly, I think the show runners should really consider incorporating a judging panel into the mix… as long as it is led by Miss J, of course.

The First 1-on-1 with Tyler G

I honestly can’t tell you a single thing that happened or was said on Hannah’s first one-on-one date with Tyler G. A guy she “chose” for her first date because she thinks he looks like “a hotter” Tim Tebow? And this is just the start of where I really am questioning Hannah’s decision making and also her eyesight.

1st Group Date

I’m going to rank this up there as one of my favorite group dates I’ve seen on this show. And possibly the only bright spot of this episode and not just because the guys were being objectified for how they looked in a Speedo (although that was v. enjoyable)

Miss J, Alaska, and Alyssa Edwards help Hannah judge the Mr. Right Pageant and also give the guys tips on their… ahem… talents. Most of the guys seem pretty game but of course we get this side shot of Luke P looking petrified.

Also, this advice is definitely how I’ve tried to live my life

All the guys really go for it. Mike, John Paul Jones, even little sweet literal heart tattoo’d Dylan.

I was convinced Jed had it in the bag with yet another original song, (again TOTALLY here to find love, not a record deal). But nonono, Luke was not having any of that. The talent he chose was to make all of America collectively cringe by declaring he was already in love with her ON THE FIRST GROUP DATE ON THE SECOND DAY OF THE SHOW and spending a grand total of maybe 20 minutes in her presence and maybe 4 alone with her.

Aaaaand Hannah falls for it hook, line, and sinker so Luke P wins the Mr. Right Pageant

Later at the after-party, Luke doubles down on his feelings even when all the guys call b.s. And here is where Hannah might lose me if I don’t keep reminding myself she’s 24 and not exactly “worldly”

At least she had some sense to give Jed the group date rose

Group Date #2

I’ll be honest, I sort of zoned out on this date because it was never going to be as fun as the Drag Pageant. Although there was a lot of seeming action (okay it was pretty fun watching these bros keep falling on their butts over and over) the real action happened at the after-party, which is yet again this season hosted in what just appears to be the back warehouse of a Pottery Barn.

Things are going blah and boring – and of course Peter is standing out because he’s Peter

But we’ve gone a whole ten minutes of this show without manufactured drama so for some reason Cam decided (is convinced) to crash a group date where he wasn’t “invited”. Literally never seen this happen this early in the show. Yikes.

This obviously didn’t go over well with any of the guys (and apparently Hannah for that matter)

My favorite part of this is every guy practically lining up to come have a “not cool bro” chat with Cam.

Cocktail Party

Hannah comes in the room to kick off the cocktail party and you would think she just learned some tragedy has occurred, like being told the ending of Game of Thrones when she’s only just watched up to the Red Wedding in Season 3.

For one of the first times I can remember, a contestant actually acknowledged that he had a rose and didn’t want to steal time from others.

Fair warning, we’ve come to the part where I will need to restrain myself when it comes to my dislike for Luke P. Sorry for anyone that likes him. He just really seems so manipulative, I can’t get past it.

And in a moment that was not at all egged on by a producer at all… Jed walks in on Hannah and Luke getting hot and heavy

“Nope” – Jed, probably

Jed’s reaction might have been one of my favorite lines of the night, and is starting to cement him as an early favorite for me

And of course I can’t forget to mention the Great Nugget Caper

Cam continues to move up the ladder of most annoying contestants in the history of this show. He’s on a whole other level – quite possibly only less so than Wha-boom

I just had some PTSD adding this GIF

Interrupting/stealing Hannah during her time with Kevin is one thing but it was incredibly awkward and weird to include Kevin in his little stunt. I think most of what Cam is doing is to purposely make a name for himself by being a jerk because there is no other explanation.

When I gave my first impressions on the guys, Kevin really stood out to me on looks alone. His hair and the Hulking out anger has me questioning myself a bit. Also, who puts chicken nuggets in their pocket and then doesn’t eat them?!?!

After all this fun, 3 guys we barely remember were sent home: Connor J, Matthew, and big teddy bear Daron. Cam remains and we now officially have the main “producer pick” of the season. Hopefully next week doesn’t involve elevating the food fight game from nuggets to wings.

Alabama Hannah Episode 1 Recap: Goofy Guys and Girlfriends

It’s officially Bachelorette season! I still stand by the fact that I think Hannah is going to be a breath of fresh air. For a pageant winner, she’s refreshingly unpolished. I think a season of Caelynn would have been way too calm. We tune into this for the shit show, not for the true love potential.

It’s really hard to talk about 30 guys, especially when half are named Luke or Tyler, so I’ll focus on the ones that the show chose to really focus on and/or stood out in some way.

Also, I had to geek out a little when one of my favorite contestants (from waaaaay back in Brad Womack’s 2nd season) replied to one of my tweets! For context, she was involved in uncovering Garrett’s IG likes and also just how gross Leo turned out to be.Inching my way into Bachelor Nation one tweet at a time, y’all. Goals. 😉

Intro Videos

After being reminded of Hannah’s journey, we’re treated to the standard intro videos designed to make us all think they’ll be important but then the producers throw in Old-Matt-Donald and Chicago Joe (not to be confused with Grocery Joe also from Chicago and the A-list version!) both of whom go home less than 2 hours later. I’m not going to talk about them all, but we had Tyler C (more on that below), Peter the Pilot, Big Mike who loves his Grandma, the aforementioned Chicago Joe and Matt Donald, Connor J who is too nice and normal, and lastly the guy who just gives me the “ick”, Luke P who shares he “was” a total d-bag, but God spoke to him in the shower and he’s a changed man. From the looks of the previews, I call b.s. but moving onward…

Tyler C tries to destroy Footloose

Tyler’s intro video might just rank up as one of the weirdest I’ve seen in several years. Also, I really REALLY hope he was joking about almost minoring in dance because that.was.terrible. But also so terrible it was funny. I still think he looks like Neidermeyer from Animal House with an Instagram-ready torso.

Limo Entrances

Garrett the Golf Pro was the first out of the limo and boy, did he go for it with a hole-in-one joke. Kinda obvious, but I’m not expecting nuanced humor from this show. I’m still convinced that being from Alabama they have mutual friends/relatives in common.

We “meet” Cam again with another elaborate white-boy rap and turns out he has his own motto… “ABC. Always Be Cam”. barf.

And in addition to all that I really couldn’t pinpoint what it was about him that bothered me until I saw this:

https://twitter.com/bethica19/status/1128103825812926465

Luke P further cemented my disdain and discomfort by growling on top of the limo and then proclaiming himself ‘king of the jungle’

As for everyone else, they were mostly…meh… however Unemployed Grant ended up winning the intros for me. While eating a hot dog, he referenced it was going to be a real sausage party, but relished the opportunity and they would “ketchup” inside.

Scott’s Got a Girrrrllllfrieeeeend

Demi and Katie show up in a white surveillance van to spy on the guys for Hannah and Demi is of course making mental notes for Paradise in addition to her primary purpose of exposing “the guy that has a girlfriend.”

Lo and behold it turns out to be the least interesting guy of the group, Scott. The guy I told you that you could find at the Applebees bar on any given Wednesday Happy Hour. Yeah, and not only does he start by denying it, he then pulls a toxic dude move and tries to turn it on Hannah

After Hannah kicks his ass to the curb, she tells the guys the scoop and then declares she needs a minute. Cue Luke swooping in to be the one to comfort her, however he sort of missed a key “gentlemanly” move with Hannah shivering and mentions she was cold. TWICE.

And Luke P still gets the first impression rose because of course.

Rose Ceremony Eliminations

In addition to Scott’s early exit, 7 more guys got the boot and they all seemed like guys that were probably too nice and normal to last long in this franchise as it was. However, we’ll probably see at least 3 of them on Paradise in a couple months.

And further cementing why he is just the king of all things, we’re blessed with watching Chris Harrison complaining and swearing as he attempts to clean up the packing peanuts from Chicago Joe’s entrance

https://twitter.com/chrisbharrison/status/1128119643623661569

Honestly, Hannah did a great job navigating the night and from those previews, I can guarantee this season is not going to disappoint on the drama!

Hannah’s Guys: Bio Breakdown

Yes! I was starting to think this day was never going to arrive! I’m not sure why they held off on letting us get our hands on Hannah’s men and get the season officially underway!

I’m just really happy to see that as of right now, we don’t have multiple problematic dirtbags. Maybe they learned to do a little more research given that Becca had so many trash men (Lincoln, Leo, Chris the Goose). But saying that, I should probably give it a couple days.

As part of my work bracket game, I post all the pictures in my cube and LOVE the commentary I get from folks just based on their fashion choices and dumb bios. I also read all the spoilers but will keep this blog a spoiler-free zone because, well, I’m running a game here people!

I’m a litte extra

If you want to go out and read the full bio and get a better view of these photos, here’s the link to the official Bachelor page: https://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelorette/cast

Okay, let’s get down to the judging. And probably the beginnings of new, possibly inappropriate, crushes on adorably unattainable dudes.

Brian: 30, Math Teacher, Louisville KY

Ummm… oh my. I was a big math nerd (1st place in Decimals at the district math tournament in 6th grade) but I NEVER had a math teacher that looked like this. Dear Lord, AND he likes puns and sarcasm? I may have found my new favorite on the first guy!

Cam: 30, Software Sales, Austin TX

nope. that is all.

Okay, that’s not all. He is a self-proclaimed “dance floor king” which translates to him being the obnoxious guy that clears the floor at weddings to do the worm. He’s also the guy that rapped on After the Final Rose so we have that to look forward to this season I guess

Chasen: 27, Pilot, Ann Arbor MI

He looks SO much like Skylar Astin from Pitch Perfect it’s ridiculous. Ooh, and he’s a pilot!

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Connor J: 28, Sales Manager, Newport Beach CA

Connor J is a nice guy. Too nice. Too normal. He won’t last long and will probably be one of the guys at the Men Tell All that we’ll be asking “who is he?”

Connor S: 25, Investment Analyst, Dallas TX

We met him on After The Final Rose and frankly from those first 5 guys that night, he was my favorite.

Until I read his bio that proclaims he LOVES (their capitalization, not mine) Justin Bieber. Nope, next.

Daron: 25, IT Consultant, Buckhead GA

Daron is this season’s Clay I think. Big football teddy bear. Daron’s dad is actually Mookie Blaylock a retired NBA player. He’s also a twin. That’s all I got, he’s probably super sweet and too normal.

Devin: 27, Talent Manager, Sherman Oaks CA

He’s friends with Wills. This might be all I needed to know to love him and declare him a favorite. If Wills happened to let him borrow a floral romp-him or two, all the better.

And his advice for finding love is “don’t be a sleaze” Poetry.

Dustin: 30, Real Estate Broker, Chicago IL

Not sure we’ve ever had a male contestant with a nose ring before. i didn’t even know people still did hoop nose rings other than Lenny Kravitz?

We met him at ATFR where he gave a nervous toast as well so I think I like him.

Dylan: 24, Tech Entrepreneur, San Diego CA

Literally looks like he’s shrugging and saying “aww shucks, ma’am”

However, huge red flag in his bio: “The majority of Dylan’s friends are women”

Garrett: 27, Golf Pro, Birmingham AL

I can’t NOT see Dean Unglert who is perhaps the franchise’s most prominent f***boi, so I will do my best not to hold this against him.

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The biggest thing Garrett has going for him (besides being attractive of course) is that he’s from ‘Bama. I’m pretty sure we’ll find out they have friends in common.

Grant: 30, Unemployed, San Clemente CA

Unemployed? Give it a few weeks and then he can consider himself a Social Media content creator.

Also anyone that compares themselves to “The Dude” it’s going to probably just be their excuse for being “A Douche”

Hunter: 24, Pro Surfer, Westchester CA

A Pro Surfer that lives with his parents? Okay, they can’t all be winners but there are a LOT of

Jed: 25, Singer/Songwriter, Nashville TN

Yeah… he isn’t here for professional exposure at all. Also, I’m pretty sure you can’t live in Nashville anymore unless you can claim to be a singer/songwriter and also appear on this show in some capacity (more likely as the “surprise concert act” than as a contestant but that’s splitting hairs.

Joe: 30, The Box King, Chicago IL

The obvious reference to Ferris Bueller (Sausage King of Chicago) aside, professing your love for Vegas on the money you make from your family business is kind of a red flag to me.

Joey: 33, Finance Manager, Bethesda MD

  1. I feel like he’s on the wrong reality show
  2. He’s 33 and still trying to rock the Jersey Shore bro look. Stop it.
  3. He references how he spent his 20s. Code for “you’re too old for her!”

John Paul Jones: 24, Financial Analyst, Lanham MD

Chris Harrison refers to John Paul Jones as a whole mood so I’m looking forward to him entertaining me.

I’m full of the 80’s references today but he’s like a cross between Spicoli and Steff (James Spader’s character in Pretty in Pink) he looks both like a stoner and a pretentious prick at the same time.

Jonathan: 27, Server, Los Angeles CA

He’s a server in LA which translates to “trying to get in the biz”

His red flags include “when he’s not at the clubs…” and he “loves sparklers”. No amount of saying religion is important to him saves him from himself here.

Kevin: 27, Behavioral Health Specialist, Manteno IL

So i’m going to just admit that I was a little smitten just looking at this guy… and then I read his bio and math teacher Brian has some competition for MY heart this season. HE LOVES HARRY POTTER! HE HELPS WAR VETERANS!

****SWOON***

Luke P: 24, Import/Export Manager, Gainsville GA

Then there’s this guy. I literally had the exact opposite reaction to him as I did Kevin. There’s something that feels off about him. And it could just be his wonky eye in this shot, I dunno.

Even when he was the first to come out on ATFR, he was really a bit too at ease with introducing himself but he didn’t look as wonky in real life

Luke S: Political Consultant, Washington DC

So Nick Viall has decided to use a pseudonym to make his way onto a 10th season of the franchise, huh? yeesh.

He calls himself a tequila expert and tries to sound cool by saying he made some rando B-list actress blush. Cool flex bro, nobody cares.

Matt D: 26, Medical Device Salesman, Los Gatos CA

Well doesn’t Matt D just look like the perfect future suburban dad that will be recognized for a corporate lifetime achievement award for selling the aforementioned Medical Devices?

Matteo: 25, Management Consultant, Atlanta GA

Buried in the center of this bio is all I need to know to begin questioning casting again: Matteo has… fathered 114 through sperm donation. Why/How/What is the purpose of keeping track??? I have a lot of questions that will probably go unanswered because I doubt he’s here past the first night.

Matthew: 23, Car Bid Spotter, Newport Beach CA

I’m not buying this guy is 23. And why can’t we just call him an auctioneer – WTF is a “Car Bid Spotter”?

There’s little to zero chance this guy wants to get engaged or settle down within the next decade. He’s banking on a future trip to BIP and sliding into other Bachelor Nation DMs

Mike: 31, Portfolio Manager, San Antonio TX

First, thank you for your service in the Air Force. But your interest in Krav Maga, Mandarin, and Parkour belong back in the early 2000’s.

Peter: 27, Pilot, Westlake Village CA

Ok honestly on looks alone, I feel like this guy looks like the perfect match with Hannah B.

He’s also the perfect white-boy dreamy pilot… except he lives at home.

Ryan: 25, Roller Boy, Philadelphia PA

WTF is a Roller Boy? You know what? I don’t actually care enough to find out. I’m thoroughly uninterested in this guy who is actually a data analyst and a tightrope walker?

Scott: 28, Software Sales Executive, Chicago IL

Okay, at this point I’m just tired of looking at Software Sales guys that basically I could find at an Applebee’s Happy Hour.

He might have the most boring profile in the bunch and that is saying something.

Thomas: 25, International Pro Basketball Player, Detroit MI

We have a considerable lack of pro athletes from major sports this season, especially after tripping over them in Becca’s. However, does it really count when you remind people you played internationally like Winston on New Girl? (credit to Caitlin Beck for that reference!)

Tyler C: 25, General Contractor, Jupiter FL

There’s something about this guy’s face and his salmon suit jacket that kinda makes me angry. Why does he remind me of the rich frat guys from Animal House?

From henceforth he will be referred to as Niedermeyer.

Tyler G: 28, Psychology Grad Student, Boca Raton FL

Well at least unlike Cassie last season they call out that he’s a grad student so there’s no misunderstanding. This Tyler seems interesting and intelligent until… “he adheres to a strict Keto diet” and loves going to Soul Cycle. Which means basically his future will not include actually using his degree b/c he’ll be selling Fit Tea and managing a gym in Boca Raton in 2020.

And there we have it. A crop of 30 men with an average age of 26 that will all at least be pretending they want to get married for at least the next few months!

Bachelor Finale Part 2: It’s Finally Over

And we’re back for another, final very special episode of this mess. Why they thought this all couldn’t have just been wrapped up on Monday is beyond me. I’m not sure I have enough left in me to even write this last recap. Good thing I get a little recharge before Bachelorette starts up. Maybe I’ll take my newly found time on Mondays to read a new book or something intellectual? Okay probably not, I’ll likely start binge watching Riverdale or some other nonsense!

I’m pretty sure Chris Harrison is more pumped up about Colton losing his virginity that Colton even is. It’s all this dude has talked about every commercial break the past 2 nights! It started to get uncomfortable after the 10th mention or so really.

Colton Gets His Girl Back

So I guess if we really thought Cassie and/or Colton were acting, her terrible job at pretending to be surprised when Colton was at her door gave me a little hope she’s not 100% fake. I mean, she already had a mic on so she was obviously prepped something was going to happen. Anyway, it’s pretty easy to recap this because 90% of the conversation was just Cassie mumbling and giggling and looking around like she was in the Twilight Zone

Probably my favorite part however was Cassie’s reaction when Colton tells her about jumping over the fence.

Also this initial reaction when Colton tells her he sent the other two girls packing

So loooooong story short, Cassie agrees to try again and you know the best way to not freak out the girl who ran once? By saying “hey now you gotta come to Spain and meet my whole family just days after you tried making a run for it and ripping my heart out on television? Doesn’t that sound great?” Apparently this is all Cassie heard though:

Cassie Faces the Family

Because things weren’t awkward enough with these two acting like they didn’t just act out some tragic love story a few days ago… Colton’s family now gets to grill Cassie and Mama Colton went straight for it

A Final One-on-One

Did anyone else feel like the show was trying to get back at Colton somehow like “hey big guy, you can jump a fence, how about you rappel down that there cliff and we’ll call it even for playing hide-n-seek the other night?”

So they’re all in love/lust now, blah blah blah, somebody please satisfy Chris Harrison’s rabid curiosity!!! Oh you’re going to kick out the cameras finally? At least Cassie remembered the mics were on much to the chagrin of the producers. Foiled! Bah!

At this point, we get treated to another roundtable discussion about Colton’s bedroom skills. Just. Stop.

And also most of you who’ve been around long enough already know my feelings about the Goose by now

The Happy Couple

I gotta admit, maybe just maybe, this will work for at least the next 6 months or so? I’m not sure I’ve thought a couple was actually going to work since Ashley & JP, so I’m a tad jaded, but it seems something definitely more natural and comfortable when we’re watching them now then during the heavily produced reality of the actual show.

Also, this tweet wasn’t even funny and yet, I think it was possibly my most liked tweet of this season #basictwittergoals

And to wrap up the greatest love story of our generation (please I hope you know that is dripping with sarcasm), we get the special treat of being serenaded by… Air Supply. A little backstory, this has been a life goal for one of the Exec Producers Robert Mills and truly has nothing to do with anything, but damn was the song choice perfection

Hannah B – B is for Bachelorette!

Well I feel like the Bachelor world is VERY divided on our little Alabama Hannah. I plant my flag firmly in the Here-For-It camp even though I think she might also be a complete train wreck, that’s what I live for! I swear to you that is exactly what I would look like (okay maybe not THAT gorgeous but close, lol) up on stage. I love attention but I would be terrified and stumbling all over myself in that scenario with no preparation.

https://twitter.com/iwatchthebach/status/1105646665556480000

So in what is now tradition – so maybe Hannah SHOULD have known what was coming, she gets to meet 5 of her guys on the spot: Luke, Connor, Cam, Dustin, and another Luke. My quick takes on what stood out:

Hannah decides she wants to give out a rose and by golly that’s what she’s going to do. But she sorta seemed to have forgotten all their names and production wasn’t prepared with the little namey-labels so she stands there staring hoping not to pull a Ross Gellar and say Colton’s name. Instead she picks the only guy potentially as awkward as she was: Mr-Pretty-Fly-For-a-White-Guy (I can’t remember which one he was either, Hannah)

And to end it all Hannah quite possibly gave the best rose ceremony/motivational speech ever. Thank you and see you in May, y’all!

Bachelor Finale Part 1: Finding Colton

actual footage from last night’s episode

And now we’ve come… to the ennnnnnnnd ooooooof the road! And we caaaaan’t fiiiiind Colton! ( I really hope you all read that humming Boyz II Men or else I have really just shown my age, but then again, the 90’s are cool with the kids again, right?)

Anywhooo… before we pick back up again, if it wasn’t obvious that they really needed to find a way to fill 4 more hours of our lives with crying and self-loathing (mostly mine), Chris Harrison says hello from a Live! Studio! Audience! which I pray to God does not mean we are going to check in with watch parties or see Team Glitter Goose in a hot tub again. Oh, just an extended recap of the season? fantastic, said no one ever.

After Chris Harrison reminds us that we should all be very concerned about Colton’s virginity status, we jump back into the action (all puns somewhat intended) happening back in the Portuguese countryside. Or as Chris Harrison puts it to the mystery person on the phone, “the middle of nowhere in Portugal”.

We then proceed to watch the Cops/true crime crossover event we never knew we wanted while production hunts down Colton in the streets. Actual quotes: “I hear the dogs barking over there”, “I think I saw something move in those bushes over there”

I literally realized I was squinting at my TV, like they’re really going to find Colton ducked behind a bush or hiding in a ditch on the side of the road like “haha, now you’re it!” Turns out, surprise of surprises, he’s still just walking down the street.

I wasn’t sure whether to be impressed or concerned for Chris Harrison when he finally caught up to Colton

At any rate, they finally wrangle Colton into a van, probably because he forgot his phone otherwise he’d have Uber’d himself outta there by now (do they have Uber in middle-of-nowhere-Portugal?)

After a good night’s rest, (and probably a couple ice packs for Chris Harrison’s knees from all that half-jogging) Chris goes to have a chat with Colton to remind him the terms of his contract figure out how what he wants to do next.

Overnight, Colton seems to have convinced himself that Cassie really just needs him to dump the other two girls and then she won’t be scared anymore and change her mind. Nowhere in any of the breakup last week was that ever once close to what Cassie tried to say to him. I relate to Colton so much through this but outside looking in wants to shake him, but Chris Harrison once again doing the Lord’s work goes right for it.

Colton’s not having it and he’s determined what he has to do, which is actually really the right thing in real life (vs. how this show works) and go break up with the remaining 2 women.

Ta-Ta Tayshia

Just because his intentions are right, doesn’t mean his methods were spot on here. He could have just said, “I’m sorry, this isn’t going to happen with us” but instead dug the knife in with “I’m in love with Cassie” and then proceeding to cry on her shoulder for 5 minutes.

And in yet another move that is usually saved for the runner-up on After the Final Rose, they make Tayshia sit on stage, watch the whole break-up, and then have that awkward “what happened” conversation with Colton. And she looked absolutely stunning… and Colton’s hair looked… ridiculous.

https://twitter.com/JillBidenVeep/status/1105271921443291137

Also, reminder that Tayshia apparently just wakes up that way too!

Oh Hey! Hannah G!

Just like most of this season, once again I’ve almost forgotten Hannah G existed.

And just like with Tayshia’s breakup, intentions good, execution? yikes.

After all the sobbing and more wrong-way consoling of the one doing the breaking-up vs. the break-ee, we cut to Chris and Hannah in the studio with Hannah looking like she’s barely holding it together.

Will this ever end?

After we complete all these break-ups, there’s still like 38 minutes left to kill, so what oh what should we do? How about we host a roundtable of Becca’s men (and Ben H because he must have signed over his soul to appear on everything for all time) to discuss what Colton should do and share words of wisdom?

And lastly we get a sneak preview of why in God’s name we have to tune in again tomorrow.
Cassie is packing her bags and just to put a pin in where her head is vs. Colton as he’s coming to win her back: she says she just wants to go home and back to her normal life. Nothing close to “maybe I made the wrong choice”, “I miss Colton already”, not even an “I love him but…” Just literally I want to GTFO so I can be done with this.

Final Thoughts

So glad this is over tomorrow and yet on the other hand, I start counting down until May when Bachelorette starts airing! But the 4 hours over the past 2 weeks has burnt me out for a spell!

Bachelor Week 9.2 – Women Tell Too Much

Ugh – I anticipate this episode in all it’s trashy glory every season and then when it’s over, I find myself wondering how many brain cells were lost. I’ve been saying it for years and I must be in the minority with this hot take, but I would much more enjoy a format like the old Real World/Challenge “Shit They Should Have Shown”, bloopers and things that got cut (like Kirpa’s injury or the montage of Colton saying “Nailed It”)

https://twitter.com/chrisbharrison/status/1103160590229336064

This recap may end up being a little shorter than most because while it seems like they filled an entire 2 hours, not that much reaaally went on because almost a 1/2 hour was just a bunch of teenagers talking over each other and I didn’t have the patience to rewind and hear all points of view.

Colton Showering

Honestly, I love when the show gets all meta and self-aware with little jokes like these. Some of them fall flat and others just entertain the hell out of me. No rhyme or reason. Colton in the shower for 1 1/2 hours of the show was just so silly that I think it worked, but again maybe not a popular opinion

The Catfights Revisited

They decided to spend a LOT of time on ALL the catfights in the house. And unlike most seasons there were so many it was hard to keep track

Demi v. Courtney

Demi was a little TOO on last night – but that’s her schtick. She’s full of one-liners, much like Chad Johnson. You’re never going to win that battle and as Courtney made very clear, you only look worse if you try to play the game with her. I was actually REALLY shocked by Courtney’s pacifier stunt. Demi is all mouth and chatter but once you get physical like that in such a stupid way, I lose all respect and stop hearing anything about how much more mature you are. nope.

Also, did anyone else hear Chris Harrison giggling after a few of Demi’s comments? Hot Mic, Chris! Hot Mic!

Onyeka v. Nicole

This was almost messier than someone getting a pacifier shoved in their face. Onyeka did herself no favors and as Sydney pointed out, her only purpose seemed to be to make noise

https://twitter.com/angiejudah5/status/1103116718044471298
https://twitter.com/taylormaxinee/status/1103107984505401344

BUT! Once again with all these fights – there is no clear winner because, frankly, Nicole sucks too if ALL the back row (including Nina’s girls that could have had seats of their own) is to be believed

Caelynn v. almost-everyone-that-heard-her-talking-about-being-the-Bachelorette-with-Cassie-not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that

And not necessarily a catfight, but “THE” big scandal of what did Caelynn and Cassie really talk about? The answer – exactly what we all thought, but not according to Caelynn…

The Breakup Montage

What a refreshing palette cleanser, right? Oh, let’s revisit all the painful breakups over the past 37 seasons. What fun, what joy. There was the aforementioned Des & Brooks breakup, we got to relive Frank leaving Ali, and by far one they should have maaaybe not dove into was Carly getting dumped by Kirk. Although, one of my favorite moments of all time:

The Hot Seats

Demi

I’m not sure what more there is to say about the Demi show other than… See you in Paradise!

Caelynn

Another possible unpopular opinion here, but either Caelynn is able to make an Oscar-worthy performance or she was actually caught off guard by getting dumped. Those seemed like some real tears but I have NO idea if she really loved Colton or if she was just shocked she didn’t “win”. But NONE of that takes away from what happened to her in the past or what she is trying to do to raise awareness of assault victims. You can be both a human being that had bad things happen and also be a 23 year old looking for fame and Instagram sponsorships.

Hannah B

If it wasn’t obvious already that she was getting groomed to be the Bachelorette, look no further than Hannah’s time in the Hot Seat with Chris Harrison. That was darn near perfectly cute and quirky and relatable.

Nicole

Why they brought Nicole up to the Hot Seat, I have no idea. Outside of her fighting with Onyeka, she was really a non-factor in the season. But maybe they were going to have Elyse until she backed out to attend a wedding (at least she has priorities, right?)

Anyway, after just hearing everyone basically make the case that Nicole was not that innocent and talking smack off-camera, it was hard to see them be all nice and then offer her a years supply of FREE HALO TOP! (Also, I’m just going to pretend that Nick Viall commercial didn’t happen, okay? yikes)

Colton Dries Off

And lastly, Colton finishes his shower just long enough to get “grilled” by the ladies. I really have nothing of any consequence to end this post with because I mentioned at the top that I would rather have watched the bloopers so lets just call it a night and wait to find Colton in the Portugeuse countryside next week, shall we?

Bachelor Week 9.1 – I’m in a Glass Case of Emotions

Holy emotional rollercoaster, Batman! I laughed, I cried, I thought about calling a therapist, I hugged my dog for a little longer than she was comfortable with…

For 2 years in a row, the Bachelors (male leads. Bachelorette’s mostly have their shit together) have truly delivered on Chris Harrison’s promises of Most. Dramatic. Season. Ever. I’ve been telling everyone to hold on to their fence-jumping pants because it was going to get good at the end (thank you spoilers) we just had to get through some very boring episodes there in the middle (ahem. last week.)

Fantasy Suites. Fantasy Suites. Fantasy Suites.

As was to be expected, we’ve now circled back to a LOT of virgin sex talk

Tayshia’s Date – It was Fun While it Lasted

By the time this episode ended, it was hard to remember Tayshia’s date even happened (much less that Hannah G is still out there waiting for Colton to show up…)

However, Tayshia and Colton are really fun together. I think he’s really been himself around her and she brings out his humor, lots of awkward virgin jokes (which I thought we were done with but there were just so many opportunities!)

And there was a good portion of time at dinner spent joking about the tape keeping Tayshia’s ladies in her dress

And of course, a lot of discussion about the Fantasy Suite with Tayshia hoping she’s going to “explore” with Colton. ew. Well, as we then see in the morning when they are just awkwardly hanging out – something did not go as planned it seems. so awkward.

Cassie’s Date – Too Good to Be True

The next date is with Cassie. Honestly, all this day date feels like is filler for the inevitable that everyone has been waiting for all damn season

Cassie’s Dad is “In the Neighborhood”

In a move that was completely organic and all the producers Matt Randolph’s idea, Cassie’s dad shows up in Portugal to talk to his youngest daughter and basically fuel even more of Cassie’s indecisiveness.

Note on above tweet: I’m really mad about that damn typo

Cassie Breaks Colton’s Heart

I literally don’t even know how to write anything funny about this, partly because 90% of what Cassie said needed subtitles but also because I was truly upset watching and my usual sarcastic lens fell off for a brief time. It reminded me a lot of when Brooks decided to leave Desiree and she just fell to complete pieces trying to make him stay. Oof, my heart hurt!

And they both let us know it was just as traumatizing watching it the second time around

Watching Colton visibly (and audibly) shaking was really tough to watch. He’s taken a lot of crap this season about his intentions (me included) but it’s pretty obvious that he was blindsided and really is in love with Cassie

The. Fence. Jump.

By the time Colton jumped the fence, I was so emotionally drained that I couldn’t muster the excitement.

That is until Christopher B. Harrison rose up like the superhero we all know him to be and dropped a few choices F bombs that made me say “hell yes!” to nobody in particular (ok, again my poor put-upon dog that just wanted to sit by a nice fire and instead gets all my emotional outbursts.) My husband is smart enough to hide in our bedroom on Monday nights.

A few other gems about the jump heard round the world to end this post:

Bachelor Week 8: Ho-Hum Hometowns

Let me start off by apologizing for the lack of recap last week. It wasn’t for lack of trying, I just couldn’t find time to get it completed enough to do it justice.

I also need to be completely honest that I found most of the episode so absolutely boring that I fell asleep not once, but twice! Good thing Twitter filled in the blanks

The mostly snooze-fest had many waxing philosophical about what could have been

So on to what actually happened…Surprise, surprise we weren’t subjected to one of Colton’s video confessional but instead we got another scene of Colton showering

https://twitter.com/colton/status/1100199112408948737

Before I talk about each of the hometowns, the dads really carried the show here. Although Hannah G’s mom clearly wears the Chico’s ‘slacks’ in the family. We had John saying “just be friends”, Mr. Adams flat out not giving Colton ‘his permission’ (even though he caved later), and Mr. Matt Randolph as the king of shutting.it.down. Anywhoo…

Caelynn

We start with Caelynn’s family in her home of Richmond, Virginia. Do you think there’s any of those signs up in town like “Caelynn Miller-Keyes, Runner-up Miss USA, Miss Virginia North Carolina 2018″? Awkward.

TBH John is really the star of Caelynn’s family and I just wanted to hug him for seeming like THE sweetest man and also started the trend of great Dad-lines of the night!

Also, theme of the night that continued to come up: Colton asking for permission to marry every.single.girl. I think I would have had less issue if he had said “blessing” – but clearly it infuriated the masses

Hannah G

Next we head to Alabama to meet Hannah G’s family but first she takes Colton to a Southern Gentleman Etiquette lesson. This seems right on brand with the level of fun that Hannah G seems to have in her life.

Now we meet the rest of the clan that in all honesty, the lead up had me a bit frightened. Mama G just looks like she’ll be the mother-in-law from hell.

I don’t like to make fun of family members appearances since they didn’t sign up for the show so they don’t feel like fair game, but honestly, I can’t ignore the Kate Gosselin haircut. I.just.can’t.

Jumping ahead a little since they show it in the credits, but I’ll bring it up here. That was the most God-awful white-girl rapping that I may have ever experienced, and unfortunately as a fan of reality TV – I’ve seen a lot.

Tayshia

Full disclosure – most of the naps happened during Hannah and Tayshia’s dates and I had to go back to watch some of the GOLD commentary from Tayshia’s dad. At least I got to see him reject Colton live, even if he did backtrack.

Tayshia’s little brother has a serious future as a meme. Also please take note of the setup of this shot with himself in a white suit behind him. We now know the TRUE star of the family fo’ sho’

Cassie

Ugh, if it weren’t for Cassie’s dad, this would have been SO painful. Cassie seemed even more painfully young while watching this. Also – didn’t Cassie just vehemently defend “being ready” not just a short week ago? Hoo boy.

To once again prove that she’s definitely, absolutely, positively mature… the only time she really defends her feelings for Colton is when her dad says she’s too young. So basically she’s going to do this to prove Daddy wrong?

And while Caelynn’s step-dad has our heart – Matt Randolph has me bowing down for having the truest Dad response and not backing down

And Then There Were 3

Well well well, Chris Harrison decided to grace us with his presence this week. Thank you for your guidance, dear sir.

Colton sends Caelynn home. Yes, I know the ending but I never bought that her and Colton were going to be end game (I still felt Peter was better for Rachel up until the very bitter, tearful end). There just wasn’t as much chemistry as he has with the other 3. I think she’ll be okay though.

And of course, another week another lack of fence jump. We’re pretty much down to it having to happen next week, so we shall see…

Bachelor Week 6: Viet-Nah I’m Going Home

Before they actually go to Vietnam, we have to pick up where we left of last week with the Most-Anti-Climactic-To-Be-Continued-Rose-Ceremony-Ever!

Colton essentially tells Onyeka and Nicole to kick rocks in true Bachelor passive-aggressive fashion. Instead of sending them home right that minute, they forced us all to go through the motions of the rose ceremony just to send these two home (oh and so Chris Harrison could “earn” his paycheck for that night).

Please Stop with the Video Confessionals!

Hannah G’s One-on-One

So what more did we learn about Hannah during this date (at least during the day)? Nothing because Colton’s tongue was too far down her throat whilst wrapping themselves in giant leaves, taking showers, etc, etc, etc.

Colton can be so incredibly awkward when he’s trying to say something remotely pertaining to a sexy compliment.

Group Date Beatdown

Before we even get to the date, let’s enjoy the reading of the date card scene for a second, shall we? Of course nobody wants to be on the group date (especially if they knew what the activity was this week).

It should very clear if you haven’t gotten a 1-1 date at this point in the season, you’re just taking up space for the season. And Demi sure as hell isn’t happy about it, but yay for Kirpa!

I literally hate this type of group date in every single season of the Bachelor. It’s not fun for anyone involved, or anyone watching. It feels like getting people to beat up on each other is something the producers think will get the drama going.

The whole thing was absolutely ridiculous because the only person that took it serious was Hannah Beast – and then Demi when she decided to take all her pent-up mommy issues out on Katie.

At the after-party, Syndey decides to leave because, well, after giving Colton a very clear hint earlier to pay more attention to her… he didn’t.

Kirpa’s Date

It is definitely the kiss of death on this show if the lead refers to your relationship as “a slow burn”/”slower pace”/etc. Translation: you are in the friend zone. And by the way Colton has gotten super handsy with Cassie and Hannah G recently – it’s pretty obvious he likes Kirpa, but doesn’t like-like Kirpa

Demi “Stages” Her Own 1-on-1

This was such a blatent rip-off of Corinne’s exact same move on Nick’s season – down to how they filmed her primping in the mirror and the slow/awkward walk to Colton’s room.

So I pretty much knew this would end in tears, lots of tears. And believe it or not, I had a bit of sympathy for Demi, but only from the lens of remembering heartbreak at 23 being the absolute end of the world.

But please, don’t feel too bad. Demi’s already got her Paradise ticket booked and she’s probably DM’ing with at least 5-6 men from Becca’s season.

Rose Ceremony – Sans Cocktails

After already having filled 2 of his 3 required rejections for the week, Colton decides to skip the rose ceremony. (Also thanks to production for speeding this crap along). He says goodbye to Katie and she continues the trend of cryptically telling Colton to be careful of girls that aren’t ready. Literally everyone that is under 23 (i.e. 5 of the 7 women left) are probably not ready to get married. This shouldn’t be an earth-shattering revelation.

Once again the episode does not include “The Fence Jump”. I wholeheartedly agree with this tweet:

Bachelor Week 5: Sweating It Out in Thailand

Wow, so much went on this week, I can almost forgive a To-Be-Continued. Almost. But not really because it messes with my bracket game (message me if you’re a random reader that wants in!) Hey, at least we get to start the episode with another Colton shower scene, amiright? Does he have to shower immediately upon arrival at each destination?

Heather finally gets kissed

So I said this was a good episode, but boy oh boy was the start painful. Heather gets the first one-on-one date in Thailand and literally most of the date was Heather or Colton pointing at things as they stood there side-hugging. “Wow, the grass is so green” “Yeah and the water is wet. Wow”

Basically, the entire date was just set up to crank out as many suggestions about kissing as possible until the big fireworks display. Most gratuitous was the zoom into Colton slurping something (seafood juice?) from his fingers and I had to turn away

So we get to the tell-your-secrets-and-don’t-eat-anything dinner date and Heather talks about her dating/non-kissing history.

I’m sorry, you dated a guy for HOW LONG without kissing him? Honey, that’s not a boyfriend – that’s definitely just a friend that’s a guy… possssssibly you were actually his Beard and you just didn’t know it.

The kiss finally happened and it was as awkward as one would expect but yay for Heather for finally getting that out of the way… with millions of people there to judge your weird hand-wrapping technique. But the joy for Colton was short-lived…

Elyse’s Meltdown in a Gown

Part of me wants to take back all the glowing love I gave Elyse just a few short weeks ago, but she’s still gorgeous and (mostly) composed and again probably too normal to have joined this show… but did she not understand how this show worked when she signed up? Maybe I should start a TED Talk series for future contestants as a new side hustle? Seems legit as I have no actual ties to the franchise other than being overly invested in watching the show?

Not only did she work herself up for this, but while all the other girls are sitting around in their pajamas – did none of them wonder why Elyse had put on a Rose Ceremony dress? (that doubles as a mosquito net! How practical!)

https://twitter.com/bachelorburnbk/status/1092597640309735424

Survivor – Bachelor Style

The group date for everyone not named Heather or Cassie was basically learning how to survive in the wilderness of Thailand.

Hannah B will literally do ANYTHING to stand out. Including multiple weeks of bug eating. She’s so proud and then Colton says, “you serious? I threw mine on the ground!” WTF?

Best part of this date, hands down is not that Tayshia would apparently totally kill it on the actual Survivor show but I honestly loved Demi and the Hannah’s going for drinks instead.

The evening part of the date was obviously 90% the start of the Onyeka and Nicole fight, but lest we forget, Hannah B chose this time to tell Colton she’s falling in love with him. Part of me feels once again, she wants to be able to say later on that she said it before Caelynn… They may have surface-level squashed their beef but we all know it’s still there.

Onyeka, Onyeka, Onyeka. Please sign up for my TED Talk as you obviously didn’t learn anything just a few days ago about smack-talking.

And Tayshia dropping truth on the situation.

Cassie’s Makeout Date

Did anything happen on this date other than a LOT of making out?

Not to mention that mixed into all the making out, they cut back to the house where everyone else basically talks about how strong the connection is between Colton and Cassie. Ok, we get it, they’ve got the hots for each other!

Cocktail Party

Before we get into all the girl-drama, we got a compilation of random interactions with the other girls that felt like some of the Night One gimmicks. I promise I could have lived my whole life never seeing Kirpa floss Colton’s teeth. ew.

All the Onyeka vs. Nicole drama we never wanted

Round 2 of the Onyeka and Nicole fighting was the worst. i literally have no idea what either of them said because it was every college drunk girl fight that if they’d been left alone another 10 minutes and/or given a shot of tequila would have been hugging and telling each other “you’re my sister, you’re so pretty!” Trust me, I’ve participated in that cycle of girl-world behavior a time or two.

I think I might have preferred Round 3 of Pageant Queens to this nonsense

Colton cannot focus on Katie – WHO WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT thanks to the yapping in the background and he leaves her to investigate the situation

This whole next scene amazed me. Colton sits down hoping that will diffuse the crazy and they both stop, look at him… and continue on! it’s kind of like walking out into my backyard and look at the birds in the feeder. They stop to see if I’m going to interrupt them, then continue on pecking away like I don’t exist.

NO ROSE CEREMONY!!!

I was oblivious to what time it was and I thought we were finally going to see the fence jump… and then… whomp whomp… To Be Continued. See the timestamp on my tweet? Literally did not realize the show was over.

My only solace was this nugget from the exec producer of the show:

The ending credits scene with Sydney (she’s still here?) was priceless. So fantastically awkward, I loved it!

And lastly, I would be remiss not to mention the most important question coming out of this week’s episode:

Kirpa’s chin should have been it’s own trending topic on Twitter because I think basically the entire viewing audience was trying to find this out.

Luckily, as always, I can count on Kristin Baldwin over at EW to have the scoop via deleted scenes that are usually WAY more entertaining than what we actually watched. Producers really missed out on an opportunity to tease an ambulance ride in the previews…