I guess right out the gate, I can’t be TOO mean because, well, she’s a kick-ass dog rescuer who has rescued over 5000 dogs. For those of you that don’t know, I volunteer with and fostered for a local rescue for many years so this gal is a saint in my eyes.

Aaaaaaaannnndddd our first ridiculous job title to join the annals of Bachelor History along with Chicken Enthusiast, Panstapreneur, and of course: Social Media Participant.

Her bio states she “tends to moves slowly…verrrrrrrry slowly” so that’s either a sexual reference or this chic pretends to walk in slo-mo at all times.

All we get on Angelique is that she’s a Jersey girl and she likes corny jokes. I love a good pun so this baby Angela Bassett could be in the running as a personal fave

Annie has had quite the interesting “journey” from farm girl in Wisconsin competing in horse riding competitions, to college at Alabama, to working in finance in NYC. I’m sure the producers will find a way to work some “riding a horse” references into the mix.

Her biggest dating fear? Farting too loudly. Note that she doesn’t say “accidentally farting” but too loudly – meaning she’s probably pulled the ol’ silent but violent a time or two.

Also, she pretty much looks like a Lauren B clone so she’ll be hawking Flat Tummy Tea in 3…2…1

So the Miss USA first-runner “isn’t your typical beauty queen.” okay sure. Side note, watched the movie Darlin’ over the weekend and I highly recommend.

Also flew to Japan for a first date. How did that Tinder match happen?

Another Canada gal, however with quite possibly the most boring profile thus far. She enjoys photography, painting, and singing in….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I kinda feel like Cassie is WAY too normal for this franchise. Like she just sort of casually showed up for this photo on her lunch break but looks effortlessly good. I hate that.

Where do I even start? The crazy is just radiating from this chick. I have this feeling that her personal heroine is probably Krystal (from Arie’s season)

Her DJ name is DJ Agro on the Ft Lauderdale club scene. What does that even mean? There’s a club scene in Ft Lauderdale other than the bridge club at Del Boca Vista? So many questions.

Going to add Courtney into the “too normal” club, at least on first impressions. Although they did throw a classic “recipe for love” joke into her bio just to liven it up a bit. groan.

Basically the embodiment of Texas Barbie. She lists out a bunch of “country girl” things like fishing and ATVing, etc meaning I can guarantee she’s going to say she doesn’t have a lot of girl friends 

She’s a local news reporter. In Medford. That’s all I got. I have a feeling she’s going to be a liiiiiitle too polished and controlled to partake in this shitshow for very long

She’s from Alaska and moved to Arizona. Talk about climate change (See what i did there?)

I have a list of issues with this girl from just 2 sentences in her bio.

#1 Her nickname is “The Nut” Is that really a nickname you want millions of people to call you for the rest of your God-given life or at least until your 15 minutes of Bachelor-related fame has ended? oh wait. her last name is McNutt. I feel slightly better, but only slightly (see #2)

#2 She literally boasts that one of her talents is being able to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight. GTFO and never speak to me again, Regina George

This gal looks dead behind the eyes so let’s just focus on the job description. She works for her stepmother’s home improvement business. Lots of Cinderella-related jokes in the bio, but I will admit that the last line about loving pumpkin spice lattes was funny (cuz Cinderella’s carriage was a pumpkin juuuuust in case it took you a minute!)

Pageant Queen #2 who directly competed with Pageant Queen #1 Caelynn. Pretty sure there has to be a storyline coming there. Also, Alabama is mentioned no less than 5 times in her bio so there’s that.

Another Hannah from Alabama and if you thought that was the end of their connections, THIS Hannah was also a pageant girl and competed against Hannah B for Miss Alabama back in 2017. 

What a tangled web of pageantry being weaved this season!

Come on, she has to have a real job, right? 

I’m getting a real Ashley I. vibe from her where she’s going to talk nonstop about never being kissed with the virgin Bachelor that she’s trying to win over… hoo boy.

Is she Jane or is she Adrianne? Those two names aren’t really synonymous with each other, but she’s a “free spirit” so you do you Jane-ianne

I can’t get over how much she looks like Jurnee Smollett-Bell (from Friday Night Lights among hundreds of other things)

In addition to making what is quite possibly the most awkward face this season, she works as a dental hygienist in her dad’s dental office. She’s going to get eaten alive by this franchise

Our only Laura/Lauren representative came to play in a leather-ish bodice

oh Lordy she loves singing a cappella and salsa dancing. I really get some serious bitchy vibes, but watch she’ll be the nicest of the bunch just because I said that.

She’s a Bachelor super fan who was born in Croatia so if she sticks around long enough, she’s probably got a heartbreaking backstory to give us all the feels.

Her parents are from Nigeria, got engaged after two weeks, and have been together for 35 years. So I have a feeling her expectations for this process are going to be WAY too high

Let me start by asking the obvious question here: did NOBODY tell her that her dress is see-through?
Oh wait, she loves attending music festivals… ’nuff said

Okay maybe I’m just tired at this point, but Sydney looks like a bottle of sunshine, and not just because of the yellow tank.

She’s an NBA dancer who has never had a boyfriend. Further proof that guys can be total idiots

Her “fun fact” is that she has a tattoo that say “I love bad ideas.” Sometimes you don’t even need a joke

I have nothing bad to say about her. She’s gorgeous, she volunteers at her church, and goes to wine tastings. Can I marry her?

I’m sorry, she’s a wardrobe stylist??? From when? 1989?

• Biker shorts? check
• tube top? check
• oversize blazer? check check check

And to make it even worse better is this is a go-to look for her when sneaking through her instagram. See for yourself – there were too many to choose just one example: https://www.instagram.com/tshapoff/